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today i got hit in the head with a football, by some of the sophomore football players, intentionally. a teacher yelled at them to apologize, but their laughing made me run away. i went to my art class where my friends comforted me, and took me to the nurses' and main office to make sure i was okay and to "get those stupid boys in trouble." Throughout the whole day they were with me to make sure i felt better, and some of the senior lacrosse boys went to confront the football kids. at the end of the school day i felt better.
my mom came to pick me up from school, and on our way home she mentioned to me about a call from the nurses' office about how i hit my head. she laughed at what happened, but in the moment i felt like she was laughing at me for being so weak. in the neighborhood i saw one of the boys who stood with the football boys walking home. i didn't know he lived in the same street as me before today, and more specifically right across from my house, so when my mom parked i was a little demanding to get inside.
i went into my room for a while, and my mom tended the garden. when she came back in, i apologized to her about my demanding attitude to get inside. which, to be honest, is a valid emotion to feel when the only person who has keys to get in the house is always so slow at unlocking the door, always checking the flowers in the front yard first. after my first attempt to apologize my mom blew me off and walked away. so i tried again, trying to reason why i wanted to get inside quickly (the boy) and my feeling about her laughing at the incident.
a little back story about my mom... she's suicidal and all my life she's talked about how she wants to kill herself. when i was younger, she was fine, but i soon learned that i was because she was taking anti-depressants. and when i was 5 or 6 years old, my mom overdosed on them to try to kill herself. ever since then she isn't allowed to take anti-depressants and is always in a bad mood. any minor inconvenience she goes on whole rants, saying "i should just go kill myself" and "i'm the worst mother in the whole world, i should just disappear." sometimes she'll grab a kitchen knife and lock herself in the bathroom, threatening to kill herself while my dad tries to reason with her. but my dad always gives up and has me talk to her. "i don't know what to say to her, you go do something."
i'm sure as hell, that having a child grow up with a suicidal parent is not the best thing to do. especially parents who don't even try to change the way they are.
anyways... i tried to apologize, and my mom goes, "it doesn't matter [my apology], i'm always the bad guy anyways." my mom always uses this victim tactic to make me feel bad, and i hate this feeling so much. i can't stand living with her. i'm sorry for ranting
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You're actually the strong one for being able to cope with all that. You tried to apologize to your mom you did your part. You cant help the way your mom is or control how she acts no need to hate yourself for how she made you feel. If not your mom maybe you could get your dad to understand what happened to you.
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