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With the passing of my 18th birthday, I've made some reflections on my life and love came up as a substantially important factor in my development. Love is a powerful influence. Love is beautiful, but very cruel. It drives you to do and say things that you don't understand, many of which you'll come to regret. In the heat of passion it all feels so right...but it may lead you down dangerous paths. Falling too hard for the wrong person is like flying too close to the sun, and it may leave a scar that doesn't heal for a long time. A burden that weighs heavy even with new love interests. Love has steered me so many ways, and I still struggle to keep myself together. I've been cheated on, lied to, dumped and been dumped, tossed aside, and I'm in sort of an unhappy relationship with my own baggage, including unresolved and confused feelings for other people. It's not all bad, really. My experience is narrow, and I have a long time ahead of me to figure everything out. I love the blissful, naive euphoria and blind love during the crush phase. I love experiencing new things with new people. I love the rose-tinted carelessness, the awkwardness, the emotional growth, and even all the bad that comes with relationships. It all makes me feel so alive. I've been suicidal in the past, but have acquired recently an existential dread and crippling fear of the uncertainty behind death, but love makes me feel human, and as if I'm not wasting away my time on this planet. Yes of course I fear I've made the wrong decisions, or may in the future. Yes, I've spent a disproportionate amount of time worrying about other people and patching up issues I need not concern myself with, and sure people have used, trampled on, and taken severe advantage of what I'm willing to give, but I'm not letting it get to me. I'm struggling. I am. But I'm having fun figuring it all out. I want to make some more bad choices, and live up my romanticism while I can. Maybe I'll talk to my girlfriend about it after all. Just being friends to end our complications and give a bit of freedom. We are going to college after all, and very distant ones. I don't mean to sound like a player, I don't intend to jump from person to person, God no, but I do feel restricted and kind of trapped. This entry was especially therapeutic, good night Novni users. :)
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