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I have it all in my life. The perfect wife, the perfect daughter, a perfect home, an adventurous life.
But I'm at the verge of losing 1 of them, which will ultimately impact everything else in my life. I may lose my wife.
She's been my rock, my motivation, my everything. I can't imagine a world where I am no longer with her, and in the moments that I put on a face and think that I can handle it, I get confronted with a wall of shame and failure, a hatred for myself that has consistently followed me since I was a kid.
I understand it's this exact self-hatred that has caused the demise in my marriage. I have holes, I have regrets, I have shame for the person that I am. I deflect that pain in angry fights. I seek acceptance for myself, a person I won't even accept, and I have lost the ability to even understand who it is that I am or who I want to be.
I never thought love would be in my life. In fact, I had dismissed it and publicly put out there that I never wanted a marriage. Yet this woman came into my life and consistently made me better, and she's the best person I could have ever shared these years with. Our highs have always been incredible, everyone around us hails us as the
"power couple". We travel the world together. We created a beautiful and smart child, we have created great wealth together. But our lows are terrible. We suffer immensely, we offend. We have no control of these bursts of anger and often fight in front of our child. The lows are hell-- nights of no sleep, suffering and crying.
I don't know what to do. Do we divorce? Do we stick it out? I want to live a life where I don't have to suffer this way, but if I leave her I'll suffer my whole life. I have holes I can't fix, and I don't want to fix myself and then let go of the beauty I have in my wife and child constantly being in my life. I love her. I am independent enough to be fine without her, I know. By I need her by my side.
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go to couples therapy or marriage counseling and see what happens
ReplyCouples therapy is a good idea along with you going to therapy too, the thing is, i know you know the answer to how to stop all the suffering but as a kid whatever social conditioning was done has sticked with you even now, i have the same thing, i am 19 years old, I also at one point thought i will never have love and also go through the pain of self hatred, I think you are self aware enough to pick out the problem and it is the social conditioning itself which we learned for means of survival in our childhood which had worked in that particular environment, but there is need to keep continuing that, don't betray yourself and your mind, do what feels morally and the most authentic to you even if you have resistence to it, the book Six Pillars of Self Esteem by Nathaniel Branden will serve you well understanding all of this. Hope you do well, Take Care, I want you to have the best life you possibly can live, please take initiative, lots of love.
ReplyIm sorry, a correction, *There is NO NEED TO CONTINUE your set of behaviours that were there in your childhood and helped you then. *
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