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Hi! I know that there is a big chance that you will never be able to read this, I don't even know if you know this website. Just read what I have to say to you.
(Warning this is pretty long!!!!)
Anyways, hi again! I really don't know where to start but I positively know that I had a crush on you for the past 2 years. When I first saw you in campus when I was talking to your friend, you really reminded me of how my boyfriend looked like the first time I saw him (who's still with me for 3 years). Tall, muscled with shoulder length hair, I honestly thought that you were him haha... I did not notice how long I've been staring at you but when our eyes met, it gave me butterflies hahaha. Don't get me wrong ok?? I'm overly in love with my boyfriend, I would never leave him and I know the difference between liking and loving someone. Also my boyfriend knows about it, I even tease him but not to the point that he'll be angry, just jokingly and I know he trusts me cause I also trust him.
Ok back to the topic.... I don't know if you have also felt something that time, but my heart really raced and I could feel my cheeks burning up especially when you approached your friend. I had to freakin pretend that I was busying myself while you and your friend talked while I was sitting awkwardly hiding my tomato coloured face with my hair. It's fun to feel things like that again, you reminded me of the earlier moments that had with my boyfriend and makes me feel younger again.
We had the same class, I kinda said 'yay!' In my head when I when I saw you. While our professor was explaining about our topic, my eyes kept wandering to you then I began to play a game in my head to keep myself entertained and awake. I told myself to look at you and bet if you'd caught me, so I kept glancing and quickly looking away when you start to turn your head ( Of course, I did not want to get caught cause I was just messin around XD ). I couldn't count how many times but damn what were the odds, I took the final look and I saw you looking at me.
Game. Over.
I quickly looked away, and I thought that you ended my game, which I did not expect, was pretty funny. So I smiled, like really smiled when I turned back my attention to the class hahaha, thank God that our professor didn't mind about it. At the corner of my eye I could see that you still had your eyes at me. I took the courage to meet your gaze, and we met again... sending another butterfiles in my tummy. You were also smiling but I couldn't return you one as I quickly looked away and felt my cheeks burning up again. We never really talked even after that, even when we coincidentally encountered one another mostly. I would still sneak a glance at you and most of the time, we would meet each other's eyes and make me feel giddy again.
You know what, I really wanted to talked to you, to get to know you. What's your full name? Why did you transfer to our school What kind of movies do you like? What kind of music genre? Your favourite food, color, subject, place. Where did you come from? Are you the oldest? How old were you? I never mustered up the courage to talk to you even though I was so bold to sneak a peek.
The obvious reason is I have a boyfriend and I am afraid to let myself be clouded with selfish feelings that would affect making the right decision if I started talking to you. I have a confession, I have left my ex-boyfriend because I was too weak, I always needed a companion, a friend, or someone that will always be at my side. At that time my ex could not give me the time, affection and attention that I wanted, my current boyfriend gave that to me as I slowly fell in love with him and it came to the point that I had to choose between them. I chose my current boyfriend. I don't know what you would think of me now that you have learned about this but I just wanted to be honest and explain why I chose not to talk to you. I am so scared that I might leave him, because of how I learned that I easily fall in love. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.
Let's go back at it again, shall we?
After two semesters, I had a class with you again. Another victory dance in head hehe. As usual we would steal glances at each other again, I thought that it was almost a game that we secretly made each other while I was thinking "How many times would you look at me today?". That's what kept me going to school also looking forward to attend the classes that I had with you cause I don't have any close friends inside the campus and at that time my boyfriend stopped college for a while due to financial problems.
Last year, we became classmates again in two classes, both of us had a thesis class but we're not on the same group. I really wish I could turn back the time and didn't leave my old group cause I felt like I wasn't needed. It was BIG mistake.
Anyway, we were like still that with our game, same ol sneaking a peek at each other and meet our eyes. But this time it was different, I could sense you getting bolder at the way you looked at me, casually getting closer to me when my groupmates or our common friends, acquaintances are near while I cowered and always pretended that I was doing something to look like I'm too busy to notice or talk to you. You would purposely look at me to see me smile or laugh whenever our professor or someone in the other class made a joke that would make the whole class burst into laughter and you had a great smile. I really felt great at that time, like my bad day would hurt me but your smile or the feeling that I get when our eyes met would be like a bandage to my would and everything would be ok cause what mattered was I SAW you again and you SAW me. I was satisfied with that. I knew that you were trying to level up our game. You were trying to interact with me, to get to know me, to get closer to me.
But sadly our secret game had to end...
My boyfriend came back to college with the same course as we both had. He would always wait for me after classes outside the classroom, and I knew you noticed it. There was this one time before our class started, my bf was waiting outside our classroom cause there was something he wanted to tell me or give me, and I went out to meet him in he hallway. I saw you casually just looked outside the class looking left and right as if checking out something or someone, you went outside and went into the direction to the restroom then slowly walking back to our class, pausing for a bit while me and my boyfriend were talking. My romantic relationship with my bf isn't noticable, on the outside we were like close friends, we're not too touchy with each other, I don't like showing affection to my bf in public cause I feel uncomfortable. I'm not quite sure why you were unnecessarily walking slowly back to our classroom, but whatever I noticed that. Maybe it was just my inagination.
You still didn't stop trying to get to talk to me or look at me even though it looked like I was seeing someone else. You were like that until the day before my thesis defense. On our other class, we had our break time, and I went into the elevator with you. Your other friend talked to me and we exchanged a little conversation about class then said good luck to me for my thesis defense. Then for some reason you suddenly talked directly to me, and I freakin felt my heart skip. I paused for a moment after asking me about the date of my defense and eventually I told you it was tomorrow then you said good luck to me. I said thank you and smiled and I thought that was the end of it. When we arrived at the cafeteria, after I ordered food with my friend and sat down on our chair. I did not expect that you and your friend would join us. I was really surprised, but tried to remain calm, my hand became sweaty, I was sweating. We shared a small conversation and had a short time, but still it was worth it.
The next day it was our defense, and it did not go well, failed. Your friend went to see how we did, and even tried to comfort me because I was so devastated. I was crying so hard that day, I did not expect to show so much vulnerability, and I hated it. I was wishing that somehow you were there to comfort me but some part of me did not want you to see my broken form. My boyfriend did his best to comfort me and tried to help me fix my group's thesis.
After that day, I noticed the changes. You didn't look at me anymore like you used to. My eyes never met yours again, I would only see your face and you not looking back at me anymore. You didn't look at me anymore, even how many times we crossed each other again. I would ask myself "Why aren't you looking at me anymore?", "What happened?", "What did I do to you?" all over again. It hurt me, everytime I see you, my heart would leap again and I would try to look at you again but you'd never meet my eyes then I'm suddeny left with an aching feeling in my chest.
I was held back for a year cause we still failed our redefense and now you are ahead of me. It took me a while to get over you and I've stopped asking myself. What never left is that butterfly feeling in my stomach and my heart skipping when I see you. I want you to know that our first coversation was really special to me even though it was short, you made me happy and I am thankful for that. I also want you to know that I'm secretly rooting for you to be successful whether on your career or relationship. Either way I will be happy for you.
Wishing you the best and happiness,
Your not-so-secret admirer ;)
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