My Unsent Letter

Dear Boyfriend,

When we defined our relationship, I said that I expected honesty from you - all the time, no matter how painful or uncomfortable the truth is, because my relationship is going to be founded on mutual trust and sincere conversation. You chuckled at that, because we both knew that I wasn't really asking for much. You would never lie, you're far too bluntly honorable for that. And then you asked me to be "just as honest as you are now" and I couldn't help but smile at how sweet you were. We both knew exactly that I'm not really the honest kind of person, although I would like to be. It's just... I see those shades and layers and possibilities everywhere, you know? It's so easy to make things appear in a convenient light or to leave out some of the rather risky details, I often don't even realize that I'm doing it.

Do you think that kind of subconscious manipulation makes me a psychopath? Because what I'm about to (not) tell you right now will seriously make me sound like a narcissistic psychopath. You know, I wanted an open and honest relationship... And here I am, writing about my worries on an anonymous website. But the thing is, you can't know this. Nobody can. I hate having secrets and I'm horrible at that - but this time I have to remain silent. For you. If you knew, it would probably break your heart. And I can't let that happen.

Anyway, the thing I needed to talk to you about... Have you ever wondered why I picked you of all people? I'm one of the smartest people at school and I love hanging out, meeting people and doing all those drunk mistakes you can only really do as long as you're young. Probably the only thing I love more is thinking about philosophy and languages and... whatever random concept just catches my attention. Topics can range from scientific approaches to alien abductions, ancient Inca folklore, crappy Harry Potter fan fiction or homunculus studies to classical literature and chess riddles. While you... You are, objectively speaking, not very attractive (although I see that differently by now, but that's probably due to the hormones my body produces while I'm in the happy honeymoon phase of being in love) and very socially awkward, you don't have remarkable grades, memories, friends or interests. I mean, don't get me wrong. I know that you're happy with what you have, even if it's "just" sitting at home all day playing video games, and that's what matters. I really don't mean to criticize you for being you. I'm just wondering... You're so different. How can this thing ever work out between us?

I'm afraid that you can't keep up with me. When I'm talking about highbrow cultural stuff or when I'm throwing my random brainstormig ideas at you, I can tell that you don't understand me. And I know you don't care about most of my crazy short-time interests, which is why I don't want to bore you needlessly with them. Because of that, being the social butterfly I always am, I kind of "dulled" my existence to be with you, listening to your average stories and staying realistic for once instead of reaching for the stars like I used to. But isn't it sad, that I have seen all of you (or so you claim) and know you, that you can be anything you want to be in my presence, while I'm dimming myself when I'm with you just so I can feel a connection to you?

You know, this might just be my fear of commitment speaking, but I'm so afraid that I can't reach my full potential with you. I know I'm smart, and I know that I could have a really bright future some day. It's a huge goal of mine to be a well-respected person with status and class in an intellectual little niche of society one day. But if my partner can't challenge me, if he can't offer me any truly new and interesting thoughts that aren't obvious to me... Can I ever reach my potential then? You know that I love competition, and that I need it in order to be able to do my best work. But you... I really doubt whether you could be competition to me on an intellectual level.

And yet, paradoxically, the fact that I don't see you as serious competition was exactly why I picked you. You've probably already noticed that behind all that ego and laughter and glitter I'm actually a pretty inexperienced and insecure person. My first relationship... I need to feel superior, you know? I don't think you'd hurt me and I trust you and everything, but I feel safer when I'm in control nonetheless. And with you I have some kind of guarantee for that. I know that you can't take more from me than I want you to take, because there are some parts of me that you will never understand, some parts that you will never have access to. I know that I'm better liked than you and that there are plenty of people to take care of me in case you fail to do so... You are no threat. And that is why I picked you. And I pray to God that you never ask me that question because I have no idea what I would answer to your face.

(And now, dear passive reader, please ignore this because it kind of destroys the whole tone and theme of my letter - but I feel obligated to add that this is NOT what our whole relationship looks like... I do love my boyfriend for who he is and I'm fascinated by how different we are. And maybe it'd be quite healthy for me to stay grounded for a while, he could help with that. Anyway, I'm happy with him. I just needed to get that mess that comes from overthinking and my fear of commitment out of my head)