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What would I write in a suicide note?
There's more I have to say than I could possibly cover. I would owe the people I love so much more of an explanation than a hundred pages could provide. So could I even try? Would I write them a book and tell them to check my docs? Would I make a letter for each person. Would I print them out. Maybe I'd just write "I'm sorry and I love you all so much" on a piece of paper and hold it with me until I died. Maybe writing the note would give me time to chicken out. Maybe I'd realize I don't want to die.
Maybe this has gone on long enough. And I'm not sure exactly how I mean that.
Maybe this has gone on long enough. I've been deluding myself and thinking about suicide when it really doesn't apply to me at all. I'd never do it. It's a stupid thought experiment. There's nothing wrong and I need to stop being moody.
Maybe this has gone on long enough. I feel like absolute complete trash. Sometimes I feel great and sometimes I don't. It takes cycles of a month, maybe two. I'll feel alright for a while, then I'll be tired, then I'll feel really horrible for a few weeks, then I'll get better. Then I forget and I think it's over. I think this has been going on for a few years and every time I feel bad it gets worse. At my worst I feel so horrible I don't even know I just can hardly stand it. And it isn't even any specific thoughts or anything, I just feel really really bad. I'm sick of it. I want it to stop.
Maybe I should talk to someone. It's the same with that. "Stop deluding yourself, you're fine", then "you're not fine, you feel like shit and it needs to stop", and "sure, but I don't think I could bring it up", and back to "this is ridiculous to even be thinking about". It's an endless loop of that in my head. Every time I start feeling down. Every time I feel bad.
But I don't think I could. Again, I'm not sure exactly how I mean that.
But I don't think I could. I don't think I could actually ask my parents to see someone. I don't think I could tell them I just really don't feel good. I could never tell them I kind of want to kill myself. Could I say I'm still cutting? I can't bring it up. And my other option is to just wait it out. And wait it out again. And again. And again. Each time it happens.
But I don't think I could. I don't think I could kill myself. I'm not sure enough. Not ready to let go. Not ready to stop living. Not ready to disappear like that with no waking up. I'm not ready to do that to my family and my friends and all the people I know. Two teen suicides in the same year in my small town. It'd be a busy year. But I don't think I could actually do it.
But sometimes I want to so bad. Both of them. I just want to not feel like this because real talk I actually actually actually feel really bad. Like really bad. And there's no way I can fix it on my own. So I can either kill myself or get help. Or I can do neither and just keep living through it.
It's like that one quote about what to do in an emergency. Like the best thing is to make the best choice, the second best thing is to make the wrong choice, and the worst thing is to do nothing. I think, in order, that's getting help, killing myself, and keeping on like this.
I think I know what I have to do. But, like killing myself, I don't think I have the courage to do it. It'd cost money. I don't know if it would work. It would take effort and be exhausting. There'd be discussions with my parents. I don't know what I'd say. And I'd need to do it while I still feel bad. Because if I feel fine and I talk to someone, then there's nothing wrong with me and it's useless. It's like Judith. I kinda got better so I stopped talking to her, but then I got worse again. And I still don't know if it's real enough to do anything about.
This has gotten really off topic, but that's why I do this. I need to process my thoughts.
So should I talk to my parents and see if I can talk to someone? Or, the more pressing question: can I?
Or maybe I should just kill myself and stop wasting resources and time.
I wish I knew the answer. I think I'll probably be stricken by indecision, wait through my bad periods, and eventually get so bad that I actually kill myself and don't get to live to regret it. Because I'm sure I eventually would. And I don't know how I could choose that when I could literally get help.
I don't know
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i just want to kill myself. everything hurts and is hard and i’m just tired of fighting when it doesn’t do anything for me....
My choices are either: Commiting suicide so the pain would go away and not care about anything anymore or keep on living a miserable life hoping you'd get hit by a car or get killed by someone or something.
ReplyThose are NOT your only choices. Do not let ANYONE make you feel like that is all you have even if that is their intentions. :)
Sending lots of love!
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