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How to start? I don't even know when and from what point in my life have I felt so lost and empty. Growing up with a father and a mother, never thought that the day would come that they would go their separate paths. Coming home from school then suddenly dad was not at our house. He was fetched and lives with his parents now.
Before my parents' marriage, dad's family didn't mention about his diagnosed schizoprenia. When my father didn't show up for a year when I was a baby, as what my mom told me, it was then she found out about dad's sickness. There was medication of course. But living in the same piece of land with my mom's parents, life became difficult. With watchful eyes from the relatives and debts, problems have piled up one after the other.
Dad couldn't take all the stress, he wasn't taking his medicine anymore. Until one day, he had his schizoprenic attack such that he was sent by my mom's uncle to the police station. He stayed their for a night. Though I feel sorry for my mom that the sickness was hidden before marriage. But at the same time, I also felt mad to the people who have worsen my father's sickness.
It's been 7 years but I couldn't let go of the hatred I felt that day. While they were still together, I couldn't forgive my mother's infidelity in the sense that she would be conversing with foreign people through some social dating sites. I know I shouldn't butt in with my mom's problems in life. But..... It's so painful! There were also people with same nationality as her whom she was having a chat as well. I even accidentally read some dirty texts. What I hate is that she had those conversations when father was still living with us at home.
But of course, I have to still thank her with the sacrifices she's made for me all these years.
I just can't keep up with life. All I see is the darkness of people. Though my mom's relatives have helped me with my schooling, there was pressure hidden in words though they don't say it directly. I need to graduate as soon as possible.
If there's one thing which I especially learned in life that would be "Learn to live your own life without relying on others." Is it wrong to think this way? There were times that I question God. All the things that have happened to me felt like an unending misery. I forgot how to look on the good side. Day by day, i always feel hopeless. I don't even know my destination in life while I'm still breathing, living on this harsh world. How I envy some family I know, which I know I should not be envious of. But life is really getting crazier for me.
To whoever is reading this, thank you for reading till the end and I'm sorry if ever I have ruined your day. Things have just bottled up and I have no one whom I could share such pain.
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Would you like to talk? Maybe I can be an ear to rant to whenever you need someone there. I agree in part with that mindset, of living without relying on others, however, this does not mean you should alienate yourself. We are stronger because of the people around us, the bonds we form, and while we do need to build up our own individual strength, it's important to keep those around you close as well.
ReplyI would not nor have I ever gone to dating sites. I would not EVER send dirty texts. If someone hacked you or created a fake FB they could be the ones doing that. Go directly to the source if you have questions.
ReplyLearn to live your own life without relying on others -- I love this. No, you are not selfish to think this way. They say no man is an island, but sometimes, you gotta live and do what you gonna do.
Don't envy what others have but appreciate what you have :) We lose focus when we see others and compare them to were we are. Always compare yourself to yourself a few days, week, months back and think how I can be better tomorrow.
Hatred - it won't go away easily, it never will, but let is subside, don't force it.
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