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I can't remember the last time I was happy. Not superficially happy, but deep down happy. I get scared because I'm not sure what it feels like to be happy anymore. I spend most of my days chasing instant gratification because for those split moments I feel something. Feelings to me now are confusing. I can't remember how happiness really feels or what being excited about something is like. I want to feel them, I try so hard but I just don't. I feel empty. I don't know why. I know that I shouldn't be. I just got a job that I've been "wanting" after years of working towards it, I bought two large scale items that I've been working so hard to get, I have great friends and a decent life. All things most people would be content with, but I feel nothing. Just small glimpses of joy here and there. As I sit here and write this a tear rolled down my face. Which means I'm sad, but I don't really feel sad and I'm not sure what that means for me.
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