Hello Again

I thought I recovered. I mean... the whole internet says it’s lifelong. You can’t shake it, you just develop a control over it, and it’s up to you to fight back.

I haven’t had to fight back for months. I’ve been fine. I eat healthy, very healthy, I exercise intensely, to build strength and I enjoy it.. I’m at a very stable weight and my body looks great.

But those thoughts are back. Those thoughts that tell me,”you’d be so much better if your arms were smaller” and “who needs an ass? Show off that ribcage.” I just.. wanna be happy. I am.. I mean, right? I love my body and that’s why I’m doing this but.. I wanna starve. I wanna starve so badly. But if I starve, I’ll binge.. then I’ll purge. I’ll hate myself.. then repeat. I’ll be so unhappy.. but I’ll be skinny, and .. ultimately, that’s what I really want! Or is it? Don’t I want to be strong and nourished?

But bones. Bones.

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