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Dear mom and dad,
I've got a severe attachment issue and I've never been in a serious relationship. Yes, I'm beautiful and successful but I'm not happy. You both are so proud of what you see yet every night I drink alcohol so I can sleep, too afraid of my own thoughts. I have no real friends. I push people away. I push people who love me away. I don't know why I do that but sometimes I think it's because of the two of you.
Dad, I grew up without you. Seeing you only once or twice a year when you are not even in a different country, just a different town. My earliest memories of you, I recall, was you coming home at 5AM drunk. You love me, I'm sure of that but sometimes a girl could need a dad growing up.
Mom, I understand you were unhappy living with dad. You were so unhappy that I barely have a memory of you smiling when I was younger. You never hugged me or kissed me as a child. You scolded me severely every time I made a mistake. You told me you weren't afraid of cutting me off if I disobeyed or if I was anything less than perfect. I was nine years old, mom. How could you tell a child that? Is love something a child had to work for?
But thank you. I'm a control freak. I'm a perfectionist and I strive to be number one in everything I do because of the kind of upbringing I went through. But I am empty. I'm lonely and unhappy despite everything I have. Everytime a man tells me he loves me, I end the relationship. Why do I do that to people who actually give an effort to love me?
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My heart literally feels broken after reading your letter. I'm so sorry you grew up without your dad and your mom didn't exactly give you unconditional love, like a child deserves and I hope I don't offend you when I say that from what you said, your mom was really very cruel, and I'm so very sorry. No wonder you have tormenting thoughts.
When you say you have severe attachment issues, do you mean to people? If so, it's most likely because you were abandoned by your parents. yea, your mom was there, but she abandoned you emotionally and I truly feel for you. I don't even know what to say, because therapy didn't help me, and I had similar issues (no hugs, emotional abandonment and constant scolding). The only help I've found was from God. I'm here for you, if or when you want to talk. I won't preach to you, unless you want lol. All the best and sending a hug.
ReplyThank you, it means a lot to be heard. I was always afraid of talking about it to anyone so I never did. Thank you, Stranger.
ReplyI'm glad you had the courage to post, and I'm glad you feel heard and you are heard. I'm always here (well, not always lol), if you want to talk about it. Take care!
Replyuh! your words touched my heart you know even i have problem of pushing people away i can fee you girl!!!
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