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My one true love is haunting me
And yet he is alive
He pulls me down and smothers me
In the house we both reside
We started out so young together
Unhealthy tendencies grew fast
Leaned on each other too much
To heal from our issues past
Both from childhood trauma
I lived for his affection
The narcissist and the empath
Is a dangerous connection
Three beautiful, special children
We brought into the mess
We couldn’t agree on parenting
Our lives were so full of stress
I struggled to keep my head up
I needed him to help me
To pull me out the water
To work with our family
But the more I sank into the depths
The more the children suffered
The guilt, the shame, the worry
His heartlessness uncovered
For many years I fixed myself
But he would not look within
He did not see the need to change
His soft, then hardened skin
My mind was healing slowly
My hurt self-esteem grew back
I learnt much more about myself
Couldn’t tolerate his undeserved attacks
But still I rode the rollercoaster
Not the fun kind I assure
I live in the false pretext
That our family will be secure
And that I love him truly
Because that is the truth
But I know he is not good for me
He is my rotten tooth
I love the idea of what we can be
When we are doing well
And everything is perfect
It does happen for a spell
But will I never learn
Though I know I am not stupid
The draw to feel sweet love’s kiss
That arrow shot by Cupid
I’ve not been very well of late
I’ve had to rely on him more
It’s starting to feel quite a lot
Like it did before
When I’m feeling ill
He won’t look at me
I’m such a disappointment
To him, you see
But I am strong
And everyday I fight
Making me doubt myself like this
It just isn’t right
When I’m feeling better
He pulls me back in
He’s happy when I pull my weight
To him it is a win
I see him though
I do understand
He has his limitations
He’s just a human man
But does that make it okay
For me to suffer?
Through lifting him up high
My shine is looking rougher
There’s no listening ear for me
No words of encouragement
I need some support
I need some nourishment
Not to be made to feel small
Have my words ridiculed
When I put my needs out there
They are always overruled
So I try more independence
But he pulls me back in
Starts to be who I need
Makes me want his warm skin
I love his warmth and affection
Although it’s pretty rare
And then to have it withdrawn
Nothing can compare
But I love him so much,
We’ve been together so long
To leave him now
It just feels wrong
His expectation are now my own
I battle them everyday
I’m living my days to meet them
I’ve put my dreams away
And that’s not okay
I think I want to leave him.
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This is truly beautiful. Truly a stunning piece of soul you have here. Be brave. You deserve the world and someone who champions you as well.
ReplyThank you for your kind words. They are very much appreciated. X
Reply