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I lost my mind. I lost it. Forever. At least most of it. In the alcohol. In the coffee. But life keeps pushing me to live, speak, wake up. I don't want to anymore. Before, I would try. I would try hard to keep on waking up. But I don't want to wake up anymore. I don't want to leave bed. It's all gone all of me. So what? is that it? Do I just ignore everything that happened? ...to me and my soul? Do I pretend that it's been good all along? That I keep trying as if my world didn't just bend before my eyes? I will never go back to who I was before. Good or bad it damaged me too hard. I wasn't supposed to recover from it. Ever. I don't want to pretend. I don't want to forget. I don't want to try anymore. I don't want to be strong. Because it will be just once that I'll break like this. It will be the last time. This should have been the only time. But it keeps on going and I feel the exact same way. Only worse. There is no escape, that's what it is about anyway. It just hurts.
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You don't have to live in your own strength, if you turn your life over to Jesus. He will be your strength. I'll pray for you.
ReplyI can't believe in God anymore even if I tried. Because people really do need religion. It's the only answer sometimes... the only reason to keep you going. If I was smart I wouldn't deny it in the first place for my own sake. But I did. The people who are able to believe and don't feel like they're lying to themselves are lucky. I wish it was enough for me too. It just isn't. My mother was in a similar situation to mine when she started believing. She had to break first. Honestly if it means I'll be able to put everything in my life in an order again, I hope it goes the same way for me too... I wish you well. And thanks for your time.
Reply"Do I just ignore everything that happened? ...to me and my soul? Do I pretend that it's been good all along?"
Yep pretty much, welcome to my world...where the bad get away with their damaging choices and the damaged just choke it down and breathe to live another day.
Basically live with the pain and move on with your life.
heh, and people wonder why I'm as cold and cruel as the planet is old...
ReplyHah you say welcome as if it hasn't always been like this for me too. But I do get you. It's weird when people ask you for advice or motivation when you are in a worse place than they are. That's why I don't speak to people anymore. Still I do feel the need to be heard sometimes. So I upload these. But I'm sure you've noticed that no matter how aware of your situation you are, things are still not going to change. Things that you don't control. I guess I desperately want to give up. Or want someone to tell me for god sake just get some pills and get over it. It really only gets worse. I just hope that by growing older I'll get used to it. Like actually... anyway... for what it's worth I do wish we get through it I wish you get through it... i hope we find a way to help ourselves...
ReplyHello it's me again I just wanted to update this post before anyone else sees this. Of course I'm not going to ignore it. I'm going to remember it and I'm going to keep trying for everyday and I'm going to get stronger and stronger and I'll be the happiest doing it. This is how it is in life yes. It has its bads and goods. And if I can't avoid the bads I'll at least make sure to enjoy the goods as much as I possibly can. And I understand them, but fuck my friends if they can never be here for me when I need them. I'll go for ice cream alone. I'll find friends who need me as much as I need them. If you reading this are going through the same thing, then give yourself some time... you'll eventually find the strength in You. No one ever tought us how to be kind to ourselves... But remember to do that. If the kindness of others can fix you, then maybe all you've been needing from the start was for you to be kind to yourself. I love you just for knowing the struggle. Bye.
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