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My 3 little Whiskas.
My girls, My precious Baby girls. My God! ...IMissYou all soooo f*cking much! It would take an eternity to even begin to try and put into words how much. I have never loved anything in my life the way ILoveYou all and nothing will ever come close, not in this lifetime or any other lifetime. I would give up my life to spend 24 hours with you, to be able to tell you one more time (well probably another 20 plus times) to “get out of that bloody window” ..that bedroom window, you’d already trashed the blinds in, the one you actually gave me kittens, always fearful one of you’d end up going through the single paned glass jumping up to get a fly outside..or a bird, anything that caught your eye. I’d give anything to chase you out of the room saying “where’s the bloody water spray” (not that it ever bothered you, you all used to look at me stupid. It almost felt like you were mocking me for using it like “You still on that spray thing?!”) because you were fighting and I hated you fighting in fear you’d hurt one another. You’d always have that same lecture: “I understand your playing but I hate it when you fight in case you hurt each other” like you all understood me right?!
I’ll never forget the time I had to give you up! I thought you were being fostered until I found a new home for us but the word “rehoming” came up. The only word that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I’ll never forget the way it made me feel, just writing the word makes it feel like seconds ago. I felt like the air had been sucked right of me along with my life and my soul. I felt like I couldn’t breath, like I was suffocating. The pain was, and still is unbearable. I could feel my heart breaking. All I could think about was how you were feeling, what must you be thinking, one minute we are a family, a unit then suddenly your in carriers in the back of a strangers car driving away. I hope, I really hope that you know that you did nothing wrong. I got into tough times, I lost my job and was struggling to get work and lost our home. I’m sorry for everything I’ve put you through because of this.
I’m still holding on to the little hope I have left that I get us a home ASAP so we can be reunited before you get rehomed.
You give my life meaning and purpose and I don’t know what to do without you. Without you I have nothing, I am nothing. Not a day goes by when I don’t think about you all, longing for cuddles .. so many cuddles! I'm still hoping I wake up soon and it’s all just a bad dream. Each minute I spend without you I feel my heart breaks a little more.
Up until yesterday, I thought I was sort of managing, not so much mentally because without you, my babies I have nothing, I am nothing and I have no purpose. My life is cold and dark. I feel numb to everything but at the same time I feel pain and the pain of not being able to have you is unbearable. It’s something I’m finding difficult to cope and it’s all too much to handle. All I can think about is discontinuing my life so that I can be where you are, always. I wouldn’t be able to physically cuddle you but at least I’d always be with you. Right now there’s that little bit of hope we'll be reunited before then but that’s uncertain.
Last night I couldn’t sleep. I thought about you more than normal during the day & spoke to my main girl about how much I missed you and how much I just wanted my girls back. I can’t remember much else just the feelings of feeling empty and numb, no sense of belonging, no sense of existence.
I tried to exhaust my mind watching TV and reading but as soon as I closed my eyes all our bedtime memories were life-like in my mind.. I felt that I was there in that exact moment. The way you all used to curl up around me in your specific positions and the way I used to lay in pretty much the recovery position to make sure your positions were always available. Our bedtimes will always be the best! No matter how much I tossed and turned or stared at the Tv hoping for a distraction, staring at the words of a book hoping that the words would jump out and read to me just to help me escape, to find a way out of my mind but nothing worked. I gave up eventually because no matter what I did I was trapped, like a criminal surrendering to my thoughts.
I would do anything on this earth..in a heartbeat without a second thought just to be able to have our bedtime again. IMissYou all so so much My girls, My babies, My three little amigos 💛
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