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Today I was judged, shut down, and dumped. Dumped by a man I have been dating for two months. At best I feel insulted and perplexed. I probably should feel a bunch of other things like hurt, disappointment, etc. but i'm not there.
According to him and his recall of the night, I did not say thank you to him for paying a $240 food bill therefore we are over.
Our night started off funky to begin with. I was not at my best and I offered apologies from the start and asked him to not take it personal. Our first stop was a networking event I was invited to. Second stop, a birthday dinner for my friends mother.
I love these women and have been through a ton with them. We are open, opinionated, flirty, sometimes straight shooters with one another so the table was live. We made no concessions for the newbie at the table. This also meant discussing our dating lives. Girlfriend A has a new interest, so the questions began. At the risk of painting the wrong picture of Girlfriend A, I will say the questions I asked were warranted and of the vetting kind... From the surface they may seem like horrible and shallow question however to us three women it was extremely valid and understood. In the midst of the half asked vetting questions, Girlfriend A and I both agreed, "Time is of the essence!", and "Can't be wasting time!".
At this point a few things takes place: (a) The dumper chimed in and in summation said, dating isn't a waste of time, (b) the bill came. Before I made a comment to (a), I asked the waiter to split (b). Waiter comes over and The Dumper states he "got it", I said Thank you. Girlfriend B, slightly uncomfortable objects and I interject with "just say Thank you". Girlfriend A and the Birthday Woman by now are on their third round of thank you's. Girlfriend A and B covered the tip as he requested. I noted I had NO cash on me. I simply don't carry cash. I then addressed (a) but perhaps not sufficiently.
The dumper and I get in the car and head to a SpeakEasy to meet Girlfriend A and B. In the car he accuses me of suggesting "dating is a waste of time", I informed him that was NOT what I said at all. Girlfriend A and I are both in our 40's and still want children. There's no time to play cute so part of the vetting is asking the guy of interest if he wants the same things you do. To play cute is indeed a waste of time. Now Girlfriend A and I didn't need to say all of this...because that was our basis, it was previously established.
At the SpeakEasy, we discussed politics both locally and broadly as well as dating. I think this is where things went left and irreversible. The word bougie was used extensively by The Dumper to describe a particular type of establishment, more specifically upscale restaurants. We live in a city that has cycled over a few times trying to find its new existence. Much like Detroit, the end of the blue collar era left us without much identity. Tech came into our city and so did the restaurant groups. What did not receive a boom in our city was the average wage. I explained that I remember at the start of it, a cocktail would cost $8.00 and now that same cocktail is $18 and yet the wages offered have not kept up with this. Its been said by locals, despite being declared "the most livable city", the price is too high to have a social life. The Dumper said sure you can have a social life if you don't patronize the bougie places (in summation). Ugh...please stop calling them bougie and yet patronizing or not patronizing does not change my statement. In the non-bougie places it went from $2.00 a drink to $8.00. Not to mention, at the start of the restaurant groups for someone looking for a great culinary experience you had $10 to $15 choices now even those choices are double the price leaving you with the same bill as the upscale restaurant. We are at DC and NYC prices but not at their wage offerings therefore your money does not go as far. Lots of tension in that conversation and I'm still not sure why.
Conversation two, about girlfriend A's dating situation, ended with me stating three things; (1) I would not have offered explanation and just said, I can't see you anymore, (2) What do I know, I'm still single, and (3) I do believe in dating multiple people. Girlfriend A is in a new three week long relationship. Her speed is not my speed which warranted statement #2. If we have not had the exclusivity talk then I think its ok to do #3. Now statement #1 came without context because not everything is meant for everyone. Since I know the who and the what's...an explanation was more than I would have given the person(s). At the close-out of the SpeakEasy, I paid the drink bill for The Dumper and I. It was nominal in comparison but I had it on my heart to do. He says Thank you twice. I smiled his way and we closed out.
I was judged, shut-down, and dumped. In the car, I asked him if he had questions. He said yes but he will save them for later. I noted it was interesting because that has not been our "style". He was silent for a moment and came at me assertively, as matter of fact with "Thank you for tonight, you really get to know who a person really is when they're around their friends!". So I asked, did he meet someone differently tonight? That's when he made it very clear that (1) I did not thank him for paying the food bill, a $240 bill, (2) he did it for me and not them, (3) no acknowledgement. Rather than apologizing to him for his hurt feelings, I went defense. I was flabbergasted by this...in this two months I have thanked him for every door opening, every outing we've had (even if I paid for it), his kind words to the meal I brought him for lunch, his time, etc. It's almost my default and hard for me to fathom not saying Thank you. He drove me to my car and said we were done. I asked to talk about what was really going on... and there it was, "Why should I give explanation, you don't,"the blind side.
Up to this moment, we have talked through everything. He asked to be exclusive and I offered explanation as to why I needed more time. He wanted us to have sex and I offered explanation as to why I needed more time. Since its hard for me to believe this is about the bill, i'm left feeling insulted and perplexed. Perhaps it's the only emotions I can identify.
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ReplyIt’s definitely not about the bill, that was an easy way for him to nitpick on you and break up. Leave him, he doesn’t deserve you.
Reply