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I hate social media. I hate Instagram. I just spent the past 20 min torturing myself. Looking through the profile of a girl my boyfriend liked many of the pictures of. Even writing this now I feel stupid and I un-evolved.
“She’s prettier than me, skinnier, cooler, better at baking, (the one thing I’m decent at and have made somewhat of a career out of) “
“Did he sleep with her?.....probably”
My mind runs rampant with these thoughts and I can’t stop.
I suppose I should mention that my boyfriend is lovely and I love and adore him more than anything. He has never done anything that should make me feel this way. But I still do
I spent 15 years in an abusive narcissistic relationship prior and my self hatred runs deep.
I hate this part of me. I hate that every so often my current boyfriend sees this part of me.... and yet he loves me anyway?
I hate that what I feel are my true gifts... loyalty, friendship, my ability to love and have empathy and to connect...are not instagram-able. I can’t post it in a nice little picture and collect “likes”. No one cares. I wish we could be more real in this world. I wish truth and emotions and true connection didn’t scare the hell out of people. All I want in this life is to be truly seen... and to be loved for what that is.
What if I’m mediocre?
Is it bad to be mediocre?
All I want is to love and to be loved.
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I've shutdown my FB for good, I wish I did it years earlier.
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