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Um... hi.
I don't know what I should say, really. There's just so much. But I think...
I think that I'll start with "I'm sorry".
I'm sorry. I really am. I know I probably don't even deserve to be saying this, to be feeling guilt as I deserve way less than your forgiveness. I know that right now, you probably hate me.
Again, I'm sorry.
But as much as I am sorry, I also know that I made the right decision. Leaving was painful, and by far the scariest thing I have ever done - but I do not regret it, because it's hard for me to say I felt completely at home with you. Because the truth is, I wasn't.
I was always afraid to make a mistake, always second guessing myself. With the way you raised me, I am so proud that you are my family and that I am the way I am now but, I also hate it. So much of what has happened has affected me to become not even a quarter's worth of what I once was - confident, proud, and unafraid to follow her dreams and shout it out to the world. Now, I'm afraid to be judged. Now, I try to please everyone.
And that's not right. I hate it. I hate how I'm so afraid that with a simple sentence someone will hate me, that if someone reaches for my head I just instinctively avoid it like the plague, even though I know it is just a pat. I hate how much you have affected me like this.
I'm not saying I hated you raising me. No, I loved it. I love you. All of you. But I'm tired. Tired of being blamed everytime I've made a mistake, big or small. Tired of not being enough in your eyes no matter how hard I try. Tired of being unable to explain and stand up for myself, of being unable to talk with you - any of you - without the fear of your anger.
And it hurts that I'm afraid, it hurts that I want to leave, because families shouldn't be afraid of anyone there to begin with. But I am.
You can hate me. You can be angry. Whatever you choose to do, I will support you from afar, holding you all in my heart no matter how much it hurts. Whatever you choose, I will not stop you.
I hope you are all happier without me.
Goodbye.
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Replywhat you did is called braveness, don't feel sorry for looking up for your self or trying to hold on and thinking about your happiness.
Reply