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Dear Rayianna,
I remember when come into this world, you came early but you were STRONG. I remember how hard I worked in physical therapy to be able to get to hold you. I remember how I would sit by your bed and my shaking-hands would stroke your small hands. You, like Ari, loved your daddy the most. You always seemed to be in the highest spirits when he would talk to you. I remember how scary it was taking you home from the hospital. Not only were you this tiny baby, but I was anxious to see how Ari would react. She did great, she pointed at you, rubbed your head a couple times, and then went to play on the ground - such a toddler -.
I spent, what felt like a lifetime but also merely seconds, taking in every little detail of you as we had to say goodbye. You had your father's hair coloring and mouth shape, and you had my eyes and nose. You loved the sound of Daddy's voice but you seemed to love my smell, you would bury your head into me. We stayed for a long while after you left, but it still was not enough time. The kind people at the hospital volunteered to take you to nice man who worked with the funeral home, but Daddy insisted he take you. He wouldn't get to walk you into your first day(s) of school, let go of the bike as you pedal away, or give you away at your wedding, that was the only time he would have gotten.
I thought I was going to die with you. I wanted to for a while.
However, I kept going, for Ari, for your aunts and uncles, and for Daddy. Daddy chose to go back to school to finish the school year. He threw himself in to school and I threw myself into caring for everyone else here at home. Daddy and I lost sight of one another. Both of us were lost in our own grief and trying to survive that we forgot to grieve together. We also pulled farther away from one another after it became clear we were not in the same place regarding an important detail. Daddy wanted to try for a third baby; but Mommy was not.
Then, when April 17, 2019, came around. On that day, last year, we found out we we’re having you. We did not even know that you would be a girl. We did not know we would lose you. Or that we would lose so much more.
April 17, 2019, I knew would be difficult. I thought I would lock myself away. I did cry, a lot. I stayed in bed for a while. But then, I was able to get out of bed. Daddy and I talked, mostly about Ari and you. We cried together, we mourned, and we were able to smile as we remembered you.
Not a moment in a day passes that we do not wish you were here. Mommy still has your your favorite toys and your blanket. Sometimes she smells it, it still smells like you. We love you.
- Mommy
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