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tomorrow i start my second year of college. i have been going through the worst depression of my life im rethinking everything how broken i am how i can't even just like things how ive always always always been this way ive never been able to think for myself ive always allowed myself to be fine with taking the day as it is thrown at me and i liked it and im realizing that its because im broken broken broken and now im here at the pinnacle of my youth and i have no idea what i want to do because i dont want to do anything because i want someone to tell me what to do and i think then what is the point of being here how easy it would be to just die. how easy and so much less tiring it would be to be dead. and i want to like things, i want to be normal i want to live a good life i want to feel things but i think about how i am now and how useless of a life i am set up to live and i fear failure more than anything and a life lived in failure isnt a life worth living ive always been too scared to say i want to kill myself or die and even now i have trouble allowing myself to say im suicidal and that i want to die because i dont really want to die and im not sitting here thinking about downing all my pills or slitting my wrists the long ways i just imagine not existing and i feel better is that even suicidal? im insecure and my brain is broken and other people are better than me and i want to be happy but i cant i need help, every word out of my mouth lately has been a cry for help, a plea for help but i start isolating so bad and no one's around to hear it
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i'm listening.
i'm listening and i hear you and i understand that you are suffering, you are in pain, and everything you feel is beyond valid because it's your life and what you're experiencing is truly suffering.
but please know that this suffering is temporary. i know it sounds shallow, it does nothing to minimize your pain but listen, it can and will get better. please get help. please reach out, please force the words out of your mouth that you need help because you deserve to stop suffering. reach out to mental health services at your campus, reach out to anyone because people will help when asked.
i was in college and tried to kill myself. i thought there was no point in living life past college, that i was forever broken, that i could never be loved or never stop hurting or never be understood. i'm not going to lie to you and tell you that everything is fixed with time but i will tell you that i survived and that i got help and that things did get better. sometimes you need time away from college, away from your situation, away from expectations and pressures and external stressors.
run away if you have to. fight tooth and nail for your happiness and peace. you deserve it.
Replyhi,
just letting you know i'm still here.
thanks.
Reply