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So I have a confession to make: I'm probably way too excited about the company cookout tomorrow. I can't sleep, thinking about all-you-can-eat hamburgers, hotdogs, chicken, bratwurst, and ice cream to top it off! I'm going to eat so much I'm going to get sick! It's almost all I can think about--excluding the reason why it's almost all I can think about.
This is the first "meal" I have eaten in weeks.
I work in IT at my company. People think I must be super smart and have a lot of money because of what I do. Truth is, I'm two months behind on my rent and utilities. I'm loaded with credit card debt. I've borrowed money to pay back money I've borrowed to get by, and when I get my paycheck, it's pretty much gone. My wife works, but she has health issues that pretty much eat away at her paycheck too, either in time off or medical bills. And we have two kids, both in school. I refuse to let them go hungry, so I do without... most parents can probably think of a time when they've done the same, but it has become my way of life now.
I do it in secret; I don't think my wife knows, at least not completely. I get up with the kids before school, but I don't eat breakfast; I've convinced my wife and kids that it upsets my stomach to eat in the morning. I work in the evenings, so I end up leaving before my family gets home from school/work. I don't take anything with me for lunch, because I want to make sure there's enough for them, even when money is at its tightest. When I get to work, I usually don't have anything to eat, but the soda machine sells sodas for 50 cents, so I can get a few calories in that way. I always have a "ton of work to do" when my coworkers go out for lunch. If the hunger gets unbearable, I will go buy a bag of cheese crackers from the vending machine; 3 ounces for 75 cents, just enough to knock down the pangs. I'm thankful for birthdays or retirements, for the free cake/ice cream/donuts/cookies/whatever. Every night I text my wife to ask her what they had for dinner, to make sure they're eating halfway decent. I always tell her not to save any food for me, but my wife always saves the leftovers, which typically ends up being some kind of rice or pasta; knowing that my family won't eat leftovers more than a day or two old, I keep track of what's in the fridge, and if there's anything there, I eat the oldest thing there before bed. Then I get up and do it all over again. Since I rarely get to eat with my family, they have no idea.
Of course, then there's the weekends; it gets a little trickier then, and I have to get creative sometimes. For example, we went out to eat at a reasonably-priced local restaurant over the past weekend (to satisfy my wife, who was tired of cooking, and in a lot of pain from her condition). I told them to get whatever they wanted. I tried saying I wasn't hungry, but my wife called me out on it. So I ordered a water to drink, and then ordered something that I knew I wouldn't like and told her I was "being adventurous" (but really it was so I wouldn't be tempted to eat it all). Then I forced myself to take a bite, set it down, and waited until my family was nearly finished. Then when the waitress brought the check and asked if everything was okay, I politely explained to the her that I wasn't satisfied with my food, and asked her to take it off of the bill. She asked if I wanted something else, but I said I didn't want to keep my family waiting. The day got busier from then, and everyone forgot that I didn't eat. I found a small container of cooked spaghetti and ate that right before bed.
I'm not sure, but this might be classifiable as an eating disorder; I just have this constant struggle between knowing I need to eat to be able to stay healthy so I can provide for my family, and being too guilty and afraid to eat because I fail to provide for my family as it is, no matter how smart and successful everyone thinks I am. I'm hoping that one day I'll be able to enjoy food again in the company of others... not only am I broke and hungry, but I'm lonely too. Tomorrow my coworkers will see a different side of me, where I'm a little more outgoing and friendly, and they'll actually see me eat something for the first time in a long time. I wish my family could be there too.
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you definitely need to eat way more
think about it this way
your eating habits will cause you higher hospital bills in the long run if
you fall sick from drinking too much soda or
getting gastric from the small portions you are consuming
i hope your situation gets better and i want to
acknowledge and praise your commitment to your kids and wife
your love for them will take them and you far in life
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