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I wrote here twice last week. About my anxiety attacks and my health issues. I've seen some doctors ever since and things haven't been as bad as last week, but I'm still in a bad place.
I'm not talking about my life, because it has been bad for a while. I'm depressed, unemployed, overweight, living with my parents, rarely leaving the house, without friends and gradually watching my health decline.
I'm talking about my mind. I've spent the last 8 years using fiction as a form of escapism, but it's no longer as potent. My body keeps feeding me negative sensations, fueling my anxiety and preventing me from being calm.
Last week was quite bad and I made a plan to change my life, but I didn't act on it. I just went back to my mind numbing routine. But, like I said, it no longer works. I try to relax, I try to escape, but I keep feeling painful sensations. I'm waiting for some blood test results that I will go pick up tomorrow, but until then, I'm left not knowing why my toes, fingers, feet and hands hurt every now and then. I don't know why I feel tired or why my hands feel so weak. I don't know why I feel this empty. I don't know whether it's mental (a result of my recent anxiety attacks weakening my mind more than usual) or physical.
I'm writing here right now and I do feel kinda better, but not completely. I feel like I could have an anxiety attack at any moment. I feel like I could break down at any moment. Maybe it's a summer thing. Maybe I'm not getting enough nutrients or oxygen (I have some issues with my nose).
I feel like last week started a new period in my life where every day I have to worry about my health. And so I have to face this new threat, as well as my emptiness, my addiction to fiction and my need to get a job and take control of my life. I wish I could just have some clarity, some control, a few hours of feeling good.
I can't remember the last time I didn't feel weak, helpless, vulnerable and desperate. I can't remember the last time I had a plan or hope for the future. Mental issues are so bad. Their combination with health issues is even worse. I need to calm down. Just a few hours and then I can sleep. Just let me calm down.
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