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I’m terrified of the future. I’m scared to lose you and not have you around and know it’s too late. Your alcohol addiction has taken over your life. I try so hard to tell myself that this isn’t my fault. I know it’s not but then somewhere deep down inside of me I feel like it’s partly my fault. Your my mom. I hate dad for being mean to you for so many years. I’ve watched him curse you out hit you put you down call you names. You were a great mom and I would do anything to get that women back. I don’t understand how you wouldn’t feel worthy without him. I feel this overwhelming feeling and it makes me not want to move on with my life get my own apartment or live a life away from you. I hate feeling like time is running out and one day you’ll be gone forever and I wish I could have gotten more time with you. Your addiction spent most time with you these past 18 years. Please change, i have been telling myself this for years. I cannot live forever with this pain. I love you mom.
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I think you should try and read a bit about victim psychology. How someone who is abused can come to depend on the abuser. It might help you understand your mom and maybe even find ways of helping her.
I know that the urge to run away is strong and I also know about the guilt that comes with that urge. It feels like a situation where no one is happy or ever will be. But you have to try to change things. For your mom but also for yourself.
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