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I have been so bothered with how so many people have been acting and treating me for the last 4 years now. It has turned me into an angry, distrustful, resentful,bitter person and I'm losing my composure over it. Not only do I have my own set of issues but it never fails to surprise me that there's people deliberately wanting to make matters worst. It is over the fact of these people really pulling on my strings, crossing boundaries,being psychologically abusive, tormenting, manipulative and using intimation tactics on me. Written about it here many times and still not be able to come to an official conclusion on what's going on with my surroundings. There's an infinite amount of unanswered questions and theories I came up with trying to fit this puzzle piece together. Why do I get the impression I'm being targeted by others, based on how random people have behaving towards me? Why do I get the impression these people have been following, stalking and harassing me? Why do I get the impression that these people are violating my privacy because of the very fact that I had my phone hacked and passwords changed. There's always something every single time?
It's like people have a problem with me for some reason when I don't even know them and they don't know me? Why am I constantly getting passive aggressive remarks and attitudes? Why do I get the sense that someone is doing a smear campaign against me out of spite, making me look bad and getting people to turn against me? There's been so many odd incidences every time I went out in public. I have been wondering if people or someone had been making gossip, rumors and assumptions about me to make me look like something I'm not. It would make sense to where these behaviors would be coming from. Many things have made me doubt myself and my sanity. Is it just me, that I could possibly be suffering from some severe mental disorder and I need to be medicated for it?
I wasn't like this before in my childhood and adolescences, so why now in my adulthood? What is severely wrong with me to be treated differently compared to everyone else around and to be so different from how I use to be? What changed? Why do I get the impression that some of these people enjoy seeing me hurt,suffering, failing and isolated? Why are they making a mockery of me and my life like it's a game to them to benefit themselves? The sad thing is it has made me question the loyalty of my friends and even family members? I hate that I have became such a different person, how does someone who once was optimistic despite the awful circumstances become negative and distrustful? I have nearly pushed everyone away from me and isolated myself because I don't where to turn and who to really trust anymore. It's like someone or people are doing it on purpose to get some kind of gain and control over me. I've had some issues before that I need help with but this has definitely triggered to make me worst.
Am I being overally sensitive with noticing when something is completely off? I've been almost constantly breaking my head trying to figure out what the fuck is going on with me and my surroundings. This has been dragging on for so long that I've questioned what did I do wrong? My emotions have escalated where it would first become frustration, afterwards rage, depressive and then I'd get suicidal thoughts. I have tired so many times to keep myself under control without lashing out at others but also myself.
I have often flipped out,lash out on items but mostly self-harm. Would nearly pull out my own hair,scratch myself with my nails from digging into my skin and what looks like me wanting to rip my skin apart. Reaching a limit where I just can't deal with this anymore with whatever is going on and starting to hate myself more. I've been through alot and everytime I try to reach somewhere to be in a better place within in own life I get held back, not only from myself but from my surroundings. I never get a break or chance to get away from whatever is detrimental for my overall well-being. How much more of this do I need to take a hit in the face, each time before I really hurt myself and there's no turning back. These escalations in my behaviour due to the situation I'm in is taking an effect to those around me who seem to care about me. Them witnessing the change in me so abruptly and it's something I even noticed within myself. No matter how many times I reached out to them,share and properly explain myself, it's difficult for them to see and fully comprehend what's going on with me. I don't even know anymore what's going on with me and why this is even happening to me in the first place. In such matters I've given up on myself because I don't feel there's anyway out of this, I try to escape and focus on the positive I do get. I do worry that if nothing is resolved or answered that I will end up being put into a mental institution or grave. It would very well be the potential cause and reoffending actions of people who are deliberately messing with me and my life. I feel very defeated, unmotivated, discouraged, depressed,unsafe and beaten down by all these occurrences that have been happening to me. It seems that all of my hardships,which haven't fully been resolved that I previously been faced with wasn't enough. Now, I've been and still currently dealing with even more detrimental issues than before. It just never ends with the negative surroundings and unfortunate circumstances in my life. I'm an adult now and I haven't managed to make something good out of my life and myself. Hard on myself enough as it is and nearly everyday is a struggle for me. Perhaps, for others they may see it differently but who's to fully comprehend based on looking outside in and not actually living through it? I don't see myself being selfish and asking the world much of anything. I can safely say that I don't believe that I'm a bad person at all,never done anything criminal or heinous and evil. I had my fair share of irresponsible mistakes,made some bad choices which I regretted and feel terrible about.
I'm not perfect but a human being like majority of people on this earth.
Often feel like I'm being dehumanized by these people who don't at all show they have good intentions and that have this expectation that people aren't without any fault. You fuck up and get harshly penalized for it as if rubbing salt on wounds is suppose to implement a positive outcome. Haven't done anything wrong that would severely trigger such backlash that would cause this form of harassment and abuse. I'm fully aware if I've actively done something wrong, which I would admit to if that were the case. Petty matters and mistakes that happen years ago shouldn't even be involved. What the hell is it that is really causing this all, me?my surroundings?
Why is it visible to see that these people hate me so much and are able to do these damaging things to me? Why haven't anyone come forward about anything yet and talk to me or to tell me what the real problem is? What is it with these people invading my life and their motive of what looks to only cause harm, purposely making my life hard and ruining my life?
I detest to be this way and be seen as being a victim of something, let alone being falsely accused of playing the victim for whatever others would see as some form of attention. This is more of a cry for help when i can tell I'm being toyed with and that something really isn't right. Nobody ever makes the effort to give a shit enough to look deeper into a situation beyond the surface.
I don't know anymore what to do because it puts me in a dilemma on whether it's matters which authorities should be involved or not. Everytime I try to defend myself against what I believe isn't right towards me it gets shut down and seen as wrong. I know I need to help myself before helping others. I wonder if I do seek professional help for unresolved issues within my earlier life which still effects me today, if I should risk mentioning what I witnessed within the past few years now that is unrelated to my past traumas. If I speak up on all the odd incidences,actions, behaviours and treatment of how and what others have been doing to me, would I be seen as severely mentally ill, be medicated and locked up away in a psychiatric hospital?
I don't know what and what I can do to make it stop or put an end to such bullshit. I tried reaching out to others, ignoring and putting my focus on more productive matters in my life but this is really getting under my skin because of how long this has gone on and it's not enough to help me we past through this. How am I expected to improve, change for the better and heal if I'm repeatedly getting pushed back down into the dirt over and over again? I do feel lost with myself and trying to figure out what is going on, but also take appropriate steps in finding a solution and ensure that it will no longer be part of a problem in my life. I just want to have a normal, healthy, fullfilling, stable, happy and safe life without the constant deliberate and intentional negativity of my surroundings. Losing and missing out so much good out of my life because of all this damaging turmoil.
_-
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hello, if you would like my advice, stop being surrounded by those people. Make good friends and avoid being with people that hurt you. If those people work in the same job change the job and find a new one. If those people are your neighbors change neighborhood. This will make you feel better. And remember to have good friernds (that's very important)
ReplyYou shouldn't have to change jobs or move when you have done nothing wrong.
ReplyExactly
ReplyI can relate to some of this.
Start by being true to yourself. Eliminate everything or anyone standing in the way of your peace.
Concentrate on the good in your life , there is always something good.
You attract what you think. So think as positively as you're able to on a daily basis. No one is perfect , just remember that.
ReplyI think I'm being true to myself as I can possibly be. I have already cut people out of my life who I believed were and are detrimental to my wellbeing. Barely in contact with others as I mentioned previously in my letter that I've isolated and pushed myself away from others.
I really am trying to concentrate on the good that I do have within my life. It's not enough to overcome my past and current problems. I'm not as functional in daily life as I use to be anymore.
It's difficult to believe that this has specifically to do with just thinking negative and attracting negativity back. I did try meditation and activities to take my mind off my issues but it only works temporarily. I don't find joy in the hobbies I use to do anymore. I feel defeated, lost, depressed and unmotivated often times to do something productive. However, I will consider your advice and keep trying to think positive.I still believe I need help with this and whatever else is happening to me.
Reply