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It's been four years of progress and regression, back and forth. There are months at a time where I feel at peace, happy with where life has led me, and looking forward to the future. Then, there are times, be it days, weeks, or even simple moments where I doubt and second guess everything I've done. I am certain that over all, I have become a better person, have a far better understanding about who I am, and have succeeded in more things than I otherwise would have these last few years, but I can never seem to fully, especially not permanently, shake the nagging question "was it worth it?".
People say "self care...." this, and "you have to look after yourself first" that, but to what end? At what point is it not self care, or in your personal best interest? Where is the line that determines if your choices in search of your best self, if crossed, are what completely tears you to shreds inside? Worse than what you thought you were before?
We had gone through more with each other in 9 years than many see in a lifetime. We had ups, and even more downs. Neither of us were perfect, and we each could've been better. Things were downright egregious at times. Completely negative, uncalled for, and downright unhealthy on every level. I felt I had every right to leave. I still do. Yet, here I am, four years later, with zero closure, hating myself for still loving you, but also hating you for the position I'm in because I know it didn't have to be this way. I constantly feel at war with myself. To some degree, it's truly never ending. If it weren't for the kids I think I would ok. At least I like to think I would be.
I don't even have to close my eyes to see every imperfection on your perfect face, it's constantly right there as if you were right in front of me. I hear your voice randomly in my thoughts as if you're whispering in my ear. You're even in my dreams and nightmares. Ones so realistic I wake up in disoriented panic, and others where I know I'm dreaming, but can't change the way I feel. You're like a living ghost that follows me everywhere I go. I truly do wish I could move on and be happy without doubt. You did so much damage to me. I'm not an angry, hateful, or vengeful person by nature, and I see most things from a relative perspective. I believe this is partially why I haven't been able to move forward like I initially thought I had. The love I had for you was so pure and fierce, something so many people search a lifetime for, it can't just be put out. Rather, it smolders like a wildfire, growing stronger and weaker with the changing conditions.
I have never once, not for a single moment, ever wondered or doubted if you loved me. Or even if you loved me as wildly and fiercely as I loved you. I absolutely know you did. If I had one wish in this life, it would be that the love we had was enough to bring about the changes that were so desperately needed for things to work. That we could have spent an entire lifetime together in happiness and peace, as I know we were meant to.
I know at times, although I know not how strongly, you feel the same pain I feel. You feel the same longing, same frustration, disappointment, hurt, and anger, both at yourself and at me just as I do. But I also know, you still feel the same love. I can feel it, and I can see it. I can feel it in the way you keep communication as limited as possible and only when absolutely necessary. I can see it when you refuse to meet for exchanging the children, siting work as the reason, and always having your mother transport the children. I can see and feel it when you have a lapse in judgement and control in communication, going in and out like the tide with positive and negative dialogue, tangents, and comments.
While I typically do not harbor resentment or anger, disappointment and pain can be difficult things to recover from at times.
I hope I am a living ghost to you as you are to me. I hope you still see, hear, smell, and even sometimes "feel" me as I do you. I hope you have the same internal war with yourself. I hope you wonder if you came for me what would be the result. I hope you long for me in good times and in bad. I hope that even though you hate me out of hurt, that you still love me. I hope all of this because regardless of where I am in life, who I am with, how I am doing or how hurt and confused I still am, I still love you. I still love you more than any words in any langue could begin to describe or translate. I always told you I would love you forever. No matter what. Four years after leaving you, as I sit here, I still know that will ever change.
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This I understand and relate to hugely except for the hate. There is no hate. No resentment. Not towards the person. Towards myself for sure. Happiness was possibly within reach but the price was too high. I love this person still. The flame burning brighter as if petrol fuels it if it tries to dim. Iv tried to ignore it and wish it away, Iv endures the pain and the tourment but it was bought on by myself. And no one else is to blame . So the hate rests solely on my shoulders . I could never hate this person not for a second. I’d be devastated if my person really thought I hated them, and I suppose relieved that they hated me, I’m obviously not good for them. I’m no good for anybody. I’m toxic. I wouldn’t hurt a soul on purpose. And never for my own gain. And to think someone would think that of me fills me with a deep sadness that they can never really of known me at all.
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