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I know I can't have a baby now. I'm only 20 years old, I'm going to continue my studies for at least 3 years. I live in a small apartment that my parents still pay for, I only work during the holidays to have money saved. My boyfriend with whom I have been with for almost 1 year is exceptional, he helped me a lot during my hardest moments. He is a very caring person, who does a lot of things to make me feel good about everyday and life in general, having anxiety and moderate depression. We had a long talk about having a baby. That's something we'd like to have. It means a lot to us, and I was the first to tell him about it.
The problem is that this is not the right time. Having a child is difficult, I don't think I yet, have the resources to care of a child. My boyfriend works but we are not yet living together and his salary would not be enough. I realize and am aware that having a baby is not simple, just because you want it doesn't mean you can, because of your situation etc. But it hurts a lot, it is emotional pain I feel almost every day and it is hard to cope with it. I have had a very strong desire to have a baby for a while, I want to take care of a living being, who is the result of love with the person I love, to cherish him and to bring him everything he needs. Love him unconditionally. However, I need to be realistic, I can't have a child at the moment.
It's a painful thought, I thought I was pregnant several times because of many delayed periods, alarming symptoms that made us think it could be pregnant . I always had a little hope despite the fear and apprehension, and when the results were negative, I often started crying and it hurts me a lot. I was ashamed for feeling that way because I sometimes feel like it is unnecessary. I can't have one now, why should I continue to hope that much?
It also affected my boyfriend, he was hoping too even though he know deep down that we can't have any children now. He helps me through this, I know I shouldn't complain because some women really can't have children, and I can't imagine the pain and disappointment that it must be like not being able to have a baby of your own. However, I try to be fully aware of the fact that I can't have one right now. But this desire is so present. I would like to ease it because I think about it far too often, and it's starting to get quite hard for me... I would like to want a child when I can and not when I can't. Not being able to have a little angel to whom you want to give love more than to anyone else is painful.
I just had to write this down because I can't say it out loud to my family and anybody else and I'm afraid they wouldn't understand why I feel this way..
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Having a child is a huge blessing and a curse. There is no greater gift than a child and no greater heartbreak than losing/ fucking them up/ parenting so wrong when your trying to do it right. I love my babies and I’d die for them. But do you die for one and leave the others behind? Or do you soldier on for the sake of the others?
ReplyI would undoubtedly soldier on for the sake of the others. I totally agree with what you said, it is such a blessing, but how terrifying it is to think I would maybe fuck them up... Totally terrifying..
ReplyIf this guy loves you, then wait. If he doesn’t then move on. Messing with a child’s live because of this want but have no means to support the kid will make it worse. Your kid will resent you. If money is no object that is a different story, but if can barely support yourself and relying on your parents and so on, doesn’t seem like you will have that mental strength to raise a kid. Let me tell you, i have a home and stable job, but there will always be something like caring for parents when they get old, the threat of losing your job, looking for day care, and so on.
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