What if....

What if the life I am living is wrong?

I grew up in a religious family, I went to church every Sunday, attended the youth groups on Wednesday nights, was involved in the praise band as the bass player.

I went to a christian school from first grade till my senior year.

In jr high, I was introduced to heavy metal. It immediately stuck with me. The fast pace, heavy melodies, screaming vocals.

I got involved with a local band as their bass tech and roadie. I dressed the part, all black, chains, spiked hair, black nail polish.

The administration caught wind of this and pulled me into the office. They accused me of being a satanist because I listened to bands like korn, mudvayne, slipknot, cradle of filth.. Etc... They told my parents I was not a believer. After being told this, I began to waver in my faith.

I grew away from the church, I dabbled in Satanism for a bit. Then moved to atheism.

For the past 15 years, I have aligned myself with Gnosticism.

There are nights where I wake up out of a dead sleep fearing for my soul. But it is not enough to bring me back to the people in leadership who turned their backs on a teen who liked heavy metal.

I do not fear death, I fear the pain associated with death.

I have thought about it, and if I were to decide to see the other side, My death would affect less than 30 people directly.

If I died today, the world would not stop.

There would be a period of mourning from my wife, her family, my parents and siblings and a few co workers.

What I fear the most about dieing, as silly as it may seem, how would the dog I have had for 10 years feel? He would not understand me being here, then never seeing me again.

If there is an after life, will I see the sister I lost from a rare genetic disorder who died 11 hours after birth? Will I see my grandma who died from cancer when I was 5? Will I see my friend who died fighting for his country?

Will I see my child hood dog who lived for 17 years? Will I see my dog who laid in my lap as I considered overdosing, and whined at me until I threw the pills away?

If these people are in heaven and have watched me through my life, hitting rock bottom from drugs. Will they be proud of me?

What if I am wrong? What if there is no afterlife? What if the stories I believed as a child are false and there is nothingness after death?