My...twisted mind that i deal wit alone

Im sorry if this is all...insane and stupid. But my mind is screwed. I'm sorry if this is long. You might not want to read it. I think my sister is living with her boyfriend. Possibly doing intimate acts. And my other sister is living with her partner. We are supposed to be catholic. They say they are. But at the same time, I have terrible thoughts that are much worse than sex. But I think violence must be something we learn to feed on. While pleasure must be rejected. Which is why I reject sexual activities and choose to dwell on my dark and messed up thoughts. They wont understand. I've thought of dissecting bugs and small creatures. To...feed my desires. I'm really sorry if this sounds stupid but I'm screwed in the head. If I heard my sister had sex with her boyfriend or anyone, or my other sister had sex with her partner, I want to send them a message. To force them to regret their actions. Maybe...stab myself in the stomach, deep. Run away. Run in front of a car. Jump off a bridge. I Continue to write down and draw my thoughts and desires. I'll be in the hospital. Then maybe in a mental ward for a long time. I want them to shock me. I need to learn to feed on pain. I need to start cutting and burning again. Of course, on my stomach, chest and upper thighs. I wear shorts and short sleeved shirts a lot. So I shouldn't do it to where people will see my injuries. I want to delve into mathematics to find comfort in numbers. I like numbers. But I'm too stupid to grasp even simple concepts. I'm failing college algebra. ALGEBRA! Do you know how stupid that is? Algebra is elementary stuff to what I am pursuing. How am I going to even attempt calculus and beyond if I cant grasp the compositions of functions? GODDAMNIT! No help. Nowhere to go. Perhaps...death? Pain? No one will understand.

I must remake reality