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I woke up. I didn't want to be awake. I didn't want to move. I could tell it would be a low. It was. I woke up and wandered. Through the motions as I do everyday. Yesterday was just particularly bad. My phone died as I woke up. So I had no way to escape the mundane bus ride. No way to escape my mind. I went to school only because I knew that I would cause more trouble at home. The halls seemed lonely. They all noticed. They all saw that it wasn't ok. What should I have told them though? Nothing was particularly wrong. I was just feeling the all too familiar feeling that makes my results on the depression tests online go up and up. I got home to the constant yelling. I t was much worse that day though. I held a knife to my chest, but knew I didn't want to go that way. My brother walked in and laughed, "because you're not going to do it." He was right. I wasn't, but to laugh at me? It hurt. I instead took a paperclip and traced small circles in my arms. Does it make me feel better? I'm not sure. Though it does result in the anxiety of having to hide it later. My mom came home and told me to do this and that. People assume that just because I'm older, or smarter, that I can handle more stress and work than others. The amount above me made me shut down. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it! I sat in my bed, curled into a ball, and wished the world would melt around me. I washed what my mom needed for dinner, though I knew I wasn't going to eat any of it. We ended up going to my mom's place of work to retrieve her cellular device. We got there and my brother disobeyed my mom, in which she yelled at us for. She yelled at us for not cleaning, when she hadn't done anything either. I, feeling bad for not feeling motivated enough to help her, said sorry. She screamed, "No you aren't!" I started to cry, pulled my sleeves up, and scratched myself really hard in the tops of my arms. Many of those marks are still there. My mom harshly asked why I was crying. I told her I wasn't crying, and she believed me. We decided to eat at IHOP, which we never go to. I actually ate all my food, but the table was extremely tense. The ride home was not much better, but I believe I was talking to a few people at that time. So I was doing slightly better. I got home, and had passed out by ten. I woke up today with the same feeling of apathy.
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