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I was writing earlier and lost everything I wrote. It was all about how I was kicked out of college for failing a class and not being eligible for financial aid anymore (went for culinary then switched to graphic and web design), all about my spiral into depression and my failed suicide attempt (swallowed a bottle of pain killers, threw it up and then tried to cut my wrist but my blood clotted up and I didn't bleed out) and all about how in preparation for said suicide I quit my job, the job I hated and now have no job. I stay with my parents because I'm a 26 year old woman and already failing as an adult and I'm so tired.
I'm tired of being broke, tired of everything I do failing, tired of being reminded constantly of those failures either by my parents or myself and I'm tired of living.
I'd try to kill myself again if I cared enough. I know they would miss me, I know I'm being stupid, I know others are worst off. But all that just piles up and makes me want to die quicker.
I'm tried of being a failure. I wasted all my potential. If I had a job maybe I could go back to college. I would get my degree, get a job somewhere and maybe move out.
But it sounds so lonely too. I don't have any friends (I lost contact with any high school friends after I left and never made any real friends in college). I don't have any real dreams, I just want to read all day. No S.O. in my life for years.
So what would I do with myself? I should know by now right? I should have dreams and goals.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore and I'm tired of trying.
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As I was reading this, I felt like crying. Not because I pity you, but I can just relate with you. Except of that suicide thing. Please lets not reach to that point. Although things may seem to be depressing now, it will not always be like this. And while these things arent permanent, let's not just wait for the time to change its situation, instead change something for the change of situation to come nearer. Like for example, changing point of views, be more positive, and focus on the good things right now. There should be. Im having a hard time myself doing things what I can easily tell people what to do. It may be hard. It is hard. But lets do it anyway. As I wrote something back then here, strangers, beautiful strangers, told me to just let things come, flow. I find their comments slowly made me feel relaxed. Until now, I am trying to calm myself wholly. I dont know if Im one to talk here, given I feel down as well, I just want to share what I was told. It's gonna be fine. Let's be fine, my fellow stranger
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