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I stopped paying attention to how long ive been depressed a while ago. I would have to say at least 7 years ive been this way. I wanted to be everything but what i am today. I thought things would be so different now. I always had a shred of hope even in my darkest moments. Now i just dont expect to find happiness, i dont expect to ever grt a job i enjoy, i dont ever expect to meet a girl, have a family. It just doesnt happen in the world i see for myself. The world i created in my mind all this time i sat alone. "Take meds" they tell me. I just can't bring myself to do that. I feel like i should find happiness on my own. I shouldn't have to rely on a pill the rest of my life. Its fake if your taking a pill to feel that way. It isn't real happiness. Every time you open the pill bottle you are reminded you have a mental illness. Every time you swallow that pill you are lying to yourself. Hell, even when I'm not on them i tend to lie to myself. Going through my days, telling myself my situation is ok. It just really isnt. Every time i lay down at night, i think "why am I like this?" Why have I been cursed to think this way? To perceive everything negatively? To never have confidence in myself? To never believe in myself? my dreams? I feel so tired, even though im jobless, and do pretty much minimal things throughout my weekly schedule. I spend my night playing video games and my days wondering where i went wrong, trying to figure out a way to be happy. I keep a workout schedule to stay in shape, but that just about takes all the energy I have left now. It almost feels like each day I lose a little bit more of my charge. Like leaving your car headlights on, the battery will eventually die. It feels like that but much slower, much more painful. I dont know how many nights i spent typing away on novni, thinking it will make a difference. Sure its a great site to anonymously get things off your chest, but at the end of the day will that cure my depression? I even went to counseling on multiple occasions at different points in my life. I think its a big waste of time and money. Like i always say, "a counselor cant get me a job, get me laid, get me friends, or really do anything besides talk to me, which really doesnt help because they only tell you what you already know." They say try doing this or that, put yourself out more, etc.. Like i dont already know thats something that will benefit me. My problem is so much more complex than that. Its something embedded in my mind. It feels like a darkness in my mind. No matter what i do to forget it its always there to stop me from living a fulfilling life. I chose the title frozen for this post because i dont know what to do with myself at this point i feel "frozen."
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Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
ReplyIf it were that easy i would have done it years ago. I like the quote but for people with severe depression its not just easy as a flip of a switch or looking at the positives. The negatives in my situation heavily outweigh the positives. Plus one cannot turn on the light without knowing where the switch is.
ReplyThis is a tough situation to be in. The matter of truth is, nothing will change if you don’t begin to think positively. I know you probably heard that a thousand of times but thats a way to start pulling yourself together. Surely there are people who love you, who care about you. Find your happiness in things you love, in people you care for. Depression won’t just go away when you try to force yourself to be happy. You see, life, living, it’s rare. You were born for a reason. As cliche as it sounds, we all have one life to live. Why waste it away? Motivate yourself. Push yourself to your limit to get yourself where you want to be. Why question yourself when the world is literally in your hands? Go out there. Live your life. Chase your dreams. Be care free and do whatever it is that you want.
ReplyIf I can overcome depression I know that you can trust me :) I’m not fully there yet but I’m getting there. Slowly but surely y’know?
Pain? Unhappiness? Are temporary. Don’t give up I believe in you.
ReplyThis won't end your depression that's true, but for me, this platform eases my pain inside, as of now that's enough for me.
Reply