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Life is complicated. Just the essence of existence is complicated. I find it no surprise that my life is the same.
What I find surprising is the reoccurrence of events long past, resurgence of personalities long since faded away.
I thought that bettering myself would change that. I truly did.
Nothing has changed. I have changed how I view the world, why does it still look the same? No matter what focus I put it under, it's still the same.
There's a saying that men always marry their mothers. Not in a literal sense, but in a sense of personality. I never really subscribed to the notion until recently.
I can see the traits of my mother in my fiance. One would think that this would be a great sign. It's not.
Her mannerisms and how she conducts herself during conflict mirrors that of my mother. A cold, vile woman. While my fiance is not quite as bad in these areas, she does have a switch. It flips rather quickly.
It lies in how she conducts herself that reminds me so much of my mother. Bringing me back to the good old days of living in a homeless shelter because daddy couldn't keep it in his pants.
Not only that, but then there's the fact that she fought to prevent my brother and I from being adopted by a couple who actually seemed to love us. Because "if she couldn't have us, no one could" yes verbatim.
Being forced into some stranger's car by my father because he "had to".
It digs up a lot of those memories and as much as I try, they just keep coming back. PTSD is a horrible thing.
I know my fiance, I know who she is and what she stands for. I wouldn't change a single thing about her. I just wish my brain could let these things go.
I've tried accepting and loving all the broken parts left behind from my past. Like I said before, I could swear I moved on.
Apparently the neurons and receptors have yet to arrive at that conclusion as well.
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