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I'm not straight.
I've known so since before I even was a teenager. I knew I wasn't straight but I wouldn't allow myself to accept it. I knew I didn't just think boys were cute to me, but girls too (and nb people too). To me, it was okay enough to just think "Okay... I can like anyone", but explicitly thinking "I like girls too" was just something I couldn't bring myself to do.
I refused to read books or posts where there was a romantic interest between two girls. I refused to watch anything (movie or short film) where two girls were each other's love interests. I refused to even listen to songs that had messages related to girls being together.
I remember watching Hayley Kiyoko's "Girls Like Girls" music video then feeling so ashamed over it that I never looked it up again or anything she wrote/sang. I remember hearing Dodie's "She" as the background track for a video on youtube then completely blacklisting the song from my head. (I remember avoiding all sorts of gender-bent fanfiction of the artists I liked.)
I held myself from complimenting other girls who weren't my friends out loud. I would only say "Yeah, she's pretty, I guess" when my mother would show me pictures of models or point at girls who stood out in public places.
Years into this, I would hold myself back from coming out to my 'irl' friends or even subtly referencing it because, for some reason, I had hope it would not be true still. I had hope that one day something would click inside and I'd suddenly not feel like this anymore. Coming out would mean I was establishing it would be real, and I couldn't have that.
Even as I did all of it, I knew nothing would change the fact that I already knew I liked girls too. But if I didn't, then I would be accepting it; and accepting it somehow translated to defeat in my head. Defeat that I wasn't able to hold myself back from it.
Why didn't I want to accept it? Why did I believe I would be defeated if I decided to accept it? I knew being attracted to people of the same sex or gender was not something negative and it wasn't something you could just switch on and off. I even made sure to show love and support for the lgbt+ community. I wasn't one of those cases of "homophobe that's secretly gay". Yet this internalized homophobia I had made me feel guilty, constantly so. It made me feel guilty for not being part of the "normal kids" that religious adults loved speaking about with every chance they had. It made me feel guilty that I knew I would never be able to push those feelings back. It made me feel guilty for having feelings my mother would accept, but my father would never.
I would like to point out I do not feel this way anymore. There still are some thoughts, but they are not all like this. I wanted to share this, though, and see maybe what others on here thought.
If you have a similar story, you can share it as a reply to this. I would like to see what your stories are like, what your thoughts were like.
If you see a comment that is unsupportive or unfriendly, please report it using the flag button.
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why was this tagged as Explicit..?
Replyi literally just posted about not being straight too, and i relate to you the most on the “non-accepting parents” part... especially feeling like i’m not apart of the normal kids that adults think i’m in. it’s weird but i’m trying to accept myself as i am, but i won’t be ready at all to share myself with the world until i’m older... i’m happy for you that you’re getting more comfortable with yourself... much love <3
tag/ callmero
Replyi can't relate cuz i'm the most pansexual person on this planet and i've always not given a single eff about gender. my parents know, my friends know, nobody really cares. :3
ReplyOmg I'm exactly the same! I'm so insecure about it. It's weird because I'm not homophobic at all when it comes to other people, but when it comes to myself it's suddenly a bad thing? Sometimes I go completely the other way and talk constantly about boys to throw people off my scent, other times I do really gay stuff (I've even made out with girls in the past) and act really nonchalantly about it. Confidently. But then someone will make a comment like 'ooo that's gAY' and suddenly I'm back to being insecure about it. I guess it's a time thing. A few years ago I never could've made EYE contact with a girl and now I'm able to kiss them... So I suppose it must get better with time.
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