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I'm not allowed to argue with people anymore because everyone uses the same thing against me. My background even though I didn't do anything. It still hurts knowing that I can't do everything that everyone else can. So that's the downfall of ever having to say something to anybody. I try to ask anyting or tell someone something and it always reverts back to " well at least I can get a job, or at least when I search my name it doesn't pop up anything." I wish I could have a normal conversation with somebody. And I wish that someone could have my back every now and then. I have to look out for myself and have my own back because I can't count on anybody. My life is one big struggle and I have to get through it with no help. It tears me apart every day and the worst part about it is that it feels like I have no control. The fact that I can't change anything about my life is what makes me want to give up. The number one thing that was told to me all my life is that I would have the opportunity to be or do anything I want in life. But unfortunately someone wanted to hurt me long term. So I don't have the same opportunities as everyone else. It's like the weight on my shoulders that I've always had, multiplied tenfold. And when I try to unload on somebody after a long day it feels like I'm still alone. Yes there's people out there that care. I just feel like I'm one of the unfortunate ones that can't find them.. my life is always going to be the most difficult thing to handle. Death is the thing that scares me. But why should I be scared when I have no life to look forward to. I'm doing my best little by little with a job that I would have had as a teenager. There's nothing more I can do. And I can't stress enough how much struggle there is internally with me and externally. I feel so depressed every day and people brush it off like I can just get over it, cause I do it to myself apparently.. to try to get them to understand is unbearable. That's why I feel I have no one to turn to. Everybody else has these opportunities and when I talk to them it feels like they just shrug it off because they can go back to normal lives where I'm just stuck. I never want this to happen to anybody else. I wish I could help people in my situation. Everyday I pray to God to turn back time so I could never meet my ex. Her family screwed my life over and there was nothing I could do. I have nothing to show for all the hard work I put in in the past. All the good grades in school led to nothing. All the work I did at my past jobs to get me further in a career wasn't worth it in the end. I'll continue to keep praying and I'll continue to keep fighting. But it's taking a huge toll on me. Mentally and physically it hurts to keep going. But I have faith that one day it'll get better. My mind goes through struggles with suicide. And I'm only going on year 3 of this horrible Journey. I didn't choose this life. And I don't get to choose the outcomes of what happens to me next. I just wish that there was a way to control my future. And a lot of people will tell me that there is. But that's for people that have a normal life, With depression that stems from other things that doesn't affect the things they can do tomorrow. I hope the struggle comes to a halt. Cause I constantly fear that I'll have to do it myself... to make people comprehend the pain of their actions. Everyone knows the possibilities when they put someone down. But no one cares until it's too late. And sometimes no one cares even then. It makes me think more and more about if life is worth it. It's just chaos in my head. To think that there might not be someone out there to pull me out of the darkness. To think that I might not have the life I've always dreamed of. To think nothing was worth it. To know the fight doesn't end. I just wanted to put my thoughts here because I fight my own fight. And it's a very sad time for me right now and I only have myself to go to. I strive to be a better person. I strive to be the best I can be. But in a world full of cruel people I just don't know...
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That's the thing about mental illness. It isn't chosen. It can be the result of choices made, but who's to say all the choices were made by you? I think it's great that even though you are struggling, you're striving to be a better person. Some people use their past as an excuse to be awful to other people and do bad things, but you want to be better. And just by wanting that, I think you already are.
ReplyI just want to understand as to why you're blaming your ex and her family, what have they actually done towards you?
How do we know that you haven't done anything towards her and you're covering up by playing the victim?
Understand that you want sympathy and understanding. However, there's two sides to a story.
_-
ReplyMy uncle died a few years back and the night I went to the hospital with him, they accused me of stuff I didn't do. After everything happened they finally admitted that they just wanted to get rid of me. But nothing has changed. I don't want people to feel bad for me. I just want someone to understand.
Reply