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Appointment to counselor:
Finally, I decided and went for counselling. I didn't know if I was crazy enough that I need help from professionals. And my situation was also like really ups and downs instantly. When I feel low, I wanted help to control my thoughts. And when I feel good, I feel I am just overthinking and I don't need any counselling at all. This happened lots of times that I reached to point to book counselling online and then I pause and close the window of site as I console myself to be fine.
But this time, no matter what, I decided to experience this. Although I feel good or, bad, I wanted to talk and express my thoughts with counselor. So, the date arrived, on Wednesday (6th Nov). When I reach there, my appointment was scheduled for next Wednesday (13th Nov). I wasn't feeling down. So, I again thought to cancel it. I can't make time for this again and again in my busy schedule. But then I asked for any near appointment. There was but it requires a bit travelling and on coming Friday. I booked it on first hour at 10:30 am.
Finally, the day arrived. I was a bit nervous about what to speak and how to start. So, I wrote down everything (feelings, thoughts and events) as short notes to not miss anything. I went there with my partner. He is very supportive in everything including this.
I met Jo, the counselor. We had brief introduction. I was given a form to fill up about my thoughts and feeling to rate as always, sometimes, rare and never before I met Jo. When I Met Jo, she warmly welcomed me and wanted me to start asking how am I. I started with my overthinking issues and negative thoughts of self criticizing. We had a good conversation. She didn't judge me at all. She explained how the brain reacts and response to things of my life. I thought I had some mental issues. She clarified that I have some signs of anxiety but not depression. And everything that's not working well may have impact from this anxiety. She said we can work on that slowly and calm my mind and thoughts. I am also interested in psychology so, I was interested to know how human brain works and what it requires to work well. I explained her how this feeling of self criticizing and negligence negative thought started since I was a child. And also recent events that made me sad and lonely although I was surrounded with my friends feeling ignorant and lost. I told her about tragic events in my life about my brother's suicide (few months ago) and my aunt's suicide (few years ago) seem to be cause of depression. I cried with a fear as I don't want to get in same path. And I am afraid if this self criticize thoughts turn to self harm, and the negative feeling of burden turn to allowing the freedom to everyone of course, sounds the path to suicide.
She heard me and said that the only issue she saw is I am afraid of my own thoughts and it seems that I am running away from them. But I can't cause it lives in my mind. But I can calm down, accept them, nourish them cause they are my thoughts, I have full control. She also said that I have a power which I also didn't realize till now. The power of restraining. Due to which, I decided to go to counselor, due to which, I pull myself up every time, motivate to not stay low, due to which I decided to search for help and most of all, I express my feelings and thoughts. She asked if I tried meditating to calm down. I told how my mind gets easily distracted and overflow thoughts and my priority don't let me meditate in peace. I also told her that I sometime write down my thoughts on Novni which she appreciated. This too was not often. We talked about the impact on my study, my family, my relationship with partner and my friends. I poured everything out and she taught me strain the lumps that was blocking my head. She said we need to cleanse our mind and take care of ourselves. We conclude with some homework for me and confirming next appointment to review my progress. I thanked her for listening to me and I left the room. I saw my partner outdoor waiting for me. I couldn't resist a big smile and with very light heart I approached towards him. It felt everything is settled well and the feeling of mindfulness was adoring. The rain followed and I enjoyed the droplets of rain and sound as it hit the ground. My mind was calm. This might be temporary for now, but this sense of moment encouraged me to do whatever it takes to practice it again and again until I master it and on.
I saw the light of hope, a new path towards progress of my daily life. A hope that I can develop my skills, new skills, present well, study well, achieving big dreams, destructing wall of self limit, believing that I can be what I wanna be. All I need to do is take care of myself and listen to need of own mind and body. I don't believe in future. It's just the present we work on, we have and only we have to take care of.
Exercise she told me to do; I wanna share this: (The impact may differ as everyone is with different mind and thoughts.)
1. Meditate for 10 min: To relax and calm mind so, it can organize better. (Let mind just focus on one task: Breathe)
2. Write the feelings down: To prevent over flow of thoughts and emotions from mind, making it balance and mindful. (I do this in Novni)
I have my next appointment on 14 Nov, 2019, Thursday at 12:00 pm. I will update my journey again.
Note: Search for "Journeytoselfhealing" if you want to follow my post. Cheers!
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