Today

Usually when I do this I know exactly what I want to say, so I just write it and move on. Today is different though. It's been different for a while now. I dont think I have anything to say really. I dont think anything. It seems like I dont feel anything. My parents dont know who there son really is. They know Brandon, but brandon isnt who he says he is. To family, I'm growing as an adult and bettering myself every day. That's true. At least I think it is, but inside is a different story. Usually my head is screaming. I chalk it up to the stress of grad school and just the fact of being in the early 20s. Recently the screaming has stopped. Now theres nothing. The silence is almost eerie. I'm closed off. I dont want to be, but every time I think I'm ready to talk about it there arent words to be said. I cant open up to anyone really. I dont even know what I'd say because I dont know what's wrong. There was one person I could always open up to but shes gone and I'm not going to impose on her new life with the problems of someone who wronged her. I could talk to my girlfriend, but shes having a hard enough time with the distance as it is. I'm the rock. Im supposed to take this problem and grow from it, but theres a drought. Plus I feel this relationship fading out. It's like last time just with different circumstances. This time nothing is wrong but I feel the same essence in the air like it did last time. Idk what I'm even trying to say anymore. I cant see what's coming next. I guess we really never do. I'm scared. I feel alone when there plenty around. I used to surround myself with people I love to distract myself from myself. Now it doesnt change whether I'm alone or with people. Maybe it's because I see my true self now. I see past the mask of Brandon and into who I really am. What I really am. This is harder to cope with than the death of a loved one. Idk. One day at a time I guess