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The biggest challenge in my life so far and what I learned from it
4 years ago · 2 · need help, +25
1038
Telling the truth about my mom. She's beaten me, raped me, given me drugs and alcohol, brainwashed me showed and filmed porn with me, - all before the age of 12, - and every time I write that, it feels like I let go of a little bit of the pain I've been carrying.
But when it was still happening, when I still saw her, when I still thought I couldn't tell anyone... That was actually easy. Lying. It was easy because I believed everything she said. I believed my dad was genuinely evil and that what was happening at mom's was okay. Yes, I knew not to tell, but in my mind I couldn't tell anyone because they'd over-dramatasize it. What made it hard, was when the black and white entered greyscale.
2017. Big thing for everyone right? Hurricane Harvey and all. Well 2017 flipped my whole world upside-down both metaphorically and as literal as you can get. August 1, 2017, my 10th summer, I walked in on my mom giving up custody of me and Ashley. I felt better and abandoned. I ran outside and climbed the pecan tree and sat there for hours, writing in my diary and just sobbing until tears stopped coming, in which case I reverted to simply shaking with silent sobs to keep me company.
Here's an excerpt from that day; "Mom just gave me away. Ashley just told me she's crying, I said "Good." Betreyal. I've just been left. And she's saying crud like "It was going to happen anyway," and junk. I'm abandoned."
That was a gift in disguise. In my bitterness, I reviewed over everything that has happened. I began to think about what it would be like if my dad wasn't, in fact evil. What if she was an evil mastermind, blinding me from the truth? Of course, whenever I had these thoughts I felt dirty, tainted, so I tried to squash them.
But eventually, I began to indulge them.
During my 12 summer, 6th grade year, I decided I didn't want to go. I was told, however, that I had to unless I had legal reason not to. It was so, so hard to figure out what I wanted to do, and I filled up a whole diary over those few weeks.
In the end, I said something so small, so insignificant compared to the rest that I didn't even write about it yet: Nolan, a criminal whom she was, (and very well still may be) currently dating, whom she'd called the police on 4 times previously, who wasn't allowed in the house with me or Ashley from 7am to 10pm, was sleeping not in his truck, not in the garage, not across the hall, but in the same bed as us.
Safe to say, that delayed it.
Soon afterwards, most of the rest followed, save the drugs and rape. I actually came clean on the drugs in an essay for English this year, 7th grade, and the rape here, on Novni. The court has supervised visits scheduled now, which I don't go to but my sister, Ashley loves. She doesn't know my story, and maybe one day I'll tell her, but for now, it stays here, where it can't hurt anyone, and will hopefully inspire you to get through whatever it is you're dealing with in your life right now.
What did I learn from this? Three things: 1) things change. You will move on, and the guilt and shame from admitting the truth doesn't last forever. 2) no matter how cliché it is; talking helps. It let's you let go, and the support of knowing someone cares, even if it is anonymous like Novni, really does help. And 3) if you're in a bad situation, get out. Be it friend, family, or spouse, if you're being abused you need to save yourself. Don't let fear or guilt or shame hold you back.
And now, I have one more thing to say to those few people who read through this whole thing: thank you, and good luck. You can make it.
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i hope those who are suicidal people could read your story.. Your Strong. and thats awesome.
ReplyI thought I was the only one going by something similar. Never told anyone about my abuse either. Proud of you for being so strong❤️ And its never to late to tell anyone. Just leaned it from you. We can do this.
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