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I’ve been feeling a bit stressed lately. Last summer I switched to a Japanese school, and my confidence has never been lower. Switching schools isn’t a new thing for me, but it’s my first time switching to a school that isn’t all in English.
I always feel stupid in all my classes, and I always hate when my teachers work so hard to teach me but I don’t understand. My least favorite thing is group work. Before coming here, I usually liked to take charge in group work and help out people who don’t understand. Now, I just sit there, not saying a word and just copying my classmates. I hate how useless I am. I wasn’t ever a straight A student but I was somewhat smart. Any class I was good at I’d get A’s for sure, and the other classes I’d at leas get a B. I used to be in the gifted program because I exceeded in English. Now, however, the highest score I’ve ever gotten on a test was a 4/25 (excluding English), and even that was a redo test. I especially feel stupid in math because it’s the one class I should understand in any language, but I’m too stupid to understand it. Math was never my good subject. Every test I do, I know the answer is always going to be a zero. This is because I never answer any of the questions. This isn’t because I’ve given up on the test, it’s because I can’t remember anything about the subject we were working on for the last few weeks. Science is the most frustrating because I know all the answers in English. I felt really stupid from the first few weeks of school, but the testing was really made me realize how hopeless I really was.
English: 98
Math:24
Japanese:6
Science: 5
History:2
I’ve never gotten scores this bad on important tests before. I remember I joked with my mom about how stupid I was. As I was joking I was hitting the realization of how much of failure I truly was. I was joking about history, but I suddenly felt like crying so I cut the joke short and went to my room. I remember just laying on my bed in the dark, crying. I was never a confident person, and the tests didn’t really help.
Even my English is getting worse. I’m forgetting how spell words, and I mess up a lot more when speaking. I know I won’t forget English, but I’m scared that if my English gets bad, than there’ll really be no hope for me.
There’s also friends. I am not a social person, and I’m not confident in my Japanese. The only person I can confidently speak Japanese to is my mom. Any time I talk to a different person I just forget everything. I didn’t have many friends before, but I did have a few. Now, I don’t have anybody. I never approach anyone cause I don’t want to bother anyone. My Japanese is bad, and if the other person doesn’t understand me then it’ll just be awkward. I don’t want to put anyone in a situation like that. Everyone thinks I can’t speak Japanese, but I can’t really blame them. I hate being the one to speak first. I only ask for help if I have absolutely no clue what’s going on. Any other questions I’ll just research later when I get home. There is a girl in my class who can speak fluent English, but I know I’ll just be annoying if I always depend on her for my social needs. I just hate bothering people.
To force myself to be social, I joined a club. Volleyball, because the teachers in charge were both English teachers. Of course, I didn’t make friends here either. When we pair up, I’m always the last one. Anytime someone does approach, it’s either out of pity, or they don’t have a partner either. I always feel bad for whoever’s paired up for me. I’m not only stupid, but also very unfit. I gave up on sports a few years ago. Reason being I felt like an outcast in every team I played in. I never wanted to do a solo sport because I don’t like the idea of everyone watching just me and another person. I’m super slow, and can’t even serve over the net yet, even after months of being in the club. The only reason I’m still in the club is because I genuinely get happy and excited whenever I do something good there. As garbage as I am, I feel that out of all the things in school I have a chance at improving in, it’d be volleyball.
Another thing I want to talk about is presenting. Now, I’ve only presented in front of the class three times, and each time I wanted to cry. My worst time was when another girl and I had to share our work experience thing we went to. She did amazing, but I ruined it in the end. I had to look down at my script, and messed up on every line. I was getting shaky and fidgety so she had to hold our poster. My hands were grossly sweaty, and I genuinely felt like throwing up. My stomach started to hurt and I felt like crying. In the end , my presentation took so long, that everyone else in the class was looking at me. Now, people looking at me face to face already makes me nervous, but I hate having people look at me from behind so much more. I can’t see their reactions so I can only imagine they’re cringing at my pathetic speech. I wanted to sit down so bad, but my partner wanted me to finish. Not wanting upset her, I hurried and mumbled the rest of the lines. Before I switched schools, I made rule to never cry at school. Why? Because I didn’t want to be a crybaby this school year. Anyways, I reminded myself about the rule, and somehow managed to stop myself from crying. My stomach still really hurt though. I couldn’t speak because I felt like I was gonna throw up. I felt bad for my partner then, and I still feel bad now. Why couldn’t she just have a normal partner that could speak normally, and have a somewhat likable personality, so that she could at least enjoy someone else’s company. I just feel like she was such a great person, and didn’t deserve to work with an idiot like me.
Last thing I want to write about is my worry about my future. I think that if I keep living in Japan (which my family plans on doing), then I think the safest job to go for would be a job relating to English. Probably an editor or something. Even so, I’ll have to keep up with my English. I don’t want my English level to be at the same level it was when I switched schools. After all, what company would want to hire someone who’s only at a 7th grader’s reading level. If I screw that up, I don’t know what I’ll do in the future. I screwed myself from the beginning.
Sorry I wrote a lot. I don’t know if anyone even wanted to read some angsty kid’s complaints about life. I know I shouldn’t self pity. There are so many people that’s worse lives then me. I’m just complaining about the consequences of a decision I made. I just feel like before I finish writing I want to apologize for being a little angsty brat.
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Oh sweetie. You did great already! I mean, i never exchanged schools, yet i fail in mostly any subject. And it's in the same language that i have been speaking since birth.
It's okay if you can't master Japanese yet. You should ask for someone to teach you. I'm sure someone will be kind enough to help you. And after that there you have it, a friend and you get to learn Japanese! Once you understand the language you can improve your scores :D Be optimistic and be brave! You can do it!
ReplyThank you so much, I really appreciate your kind words. I’ll try my best to find someone to help me. I’ll try and improve. Thank you again, for reading this and giving advice. I just wanted to let you know that your simple words made me feel a lot better.
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