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Its hard for me to act happy when so many moments i deal with anger towards my children's fathers; especially The first one , because he doesn't have to lift a finger to help me and his first baby mama. I feel spiritually raped and like a fool for not making better decisions in my twenties. Im constantly reminded how my aloofness has negatively affected myself,family, community and my children because I'm on government assistance, my family reminds me of the shame i bring them and my kids don't understand why we are poor and their friends have money and fathers.
Everyday for six years ,at least once a day , I fantasize about dying so i can never have to wake up to my constant mental battle i put myself in. I fight to keep myself somewhat sane and alive because my children have no one else that will happily raise them.i feel like i will always carry this guilt and i wish i could take medication to sleep and rest but i get angry because I'm too anxious to listen to my youngest cry when i stop nursing him so i have to stay sober another year.
So although i haven't served in the army i feel like I'm at war everyday. I was naive enough to put myself in an in going war. A war a feel guilty about constantly that i fear will never go away. At least the war they fight earns them respect mine just earns my family pity and i loathe it with everything in me.
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