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I'm at war with myself. It's hard to have good days, but when they happen I cherish them. Lately, I've been sick. Sick to my stomach, sick in my chest because of worries that plague me. Rent, I can't afford rent because I can't find a job. I'm supposed to start working at the unemployment office on Monday, but I don't know if the person I'm replacing will be done with. Until then, I can only pray that I can afford rent somehow. Debt collectors keep calling because of hospital bills I haven't paid. I can't pay them, I have no money and what little money I get goes to what little groceries I can buy. I'm stressed which has made my anxiety regressed. I was better, once, so better but now I can't go anywhere without feeling like everything is falling apart.
My landlords scare me. They told me my mother couldn't stay longer than six days which triggered my anxiety. Each time I visit them I shake uncontrollably, and I feel as if one wrong word would make them say something cruel. Right now, my stomach aches and my chest flips around. I'm scared, and nothing can calm me down. My Agoraphobia rules my life now, and though I was better I have fallen.
I wish I could leave and disappear.
I wish I didn't take out loans to pay my bills cause now I have to pay them off.
I wish I didn't go to the Er when I was having an asthma attack cause now I'm being harrassed by debt collectors.
I wish I didn't move up here because now I have landlords I'm afraid of and rent I can't afford.
But
I love it here.
I have a cat who I adore, and who I would do anything for.
If I didn't go to the Er I would've died.
If I disappeared my family would ache and would be sad.
If I didn't take out the loans then I wouldn't have been able to afford my bills.
I've applied to other jobs, so even if I don't start Monday, I have other jobs lined up.
Since I'm Native American, I can have assistance, so I should get started on that.
My family loves me, and I love them.
I'm safe.
I have shelter.
I have friends.
I'm alive.
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