What are you looking for?
7 months ago · · I need help,
I suffered in silence as a kid, felt the consequences of a dysfunctional family to say the very least, and the results of economic struggle. My parents tried so hard to hide it, and gave me everything I ever asked for. But the thing is that when you grow up like that, you learn to not ask for much real quick. And on occasions like birthdays and Christmas most of what we had came from the kindness of others, but my parents always found a way to buy things they thought I wanted (and really any normal kid would want), but I felt so bad because I knew the inevitable fight or struggle we would face along the way due to that act of kindness. In the end... I resented these things and harbored so much self hatred. So much ANGER piled up, and what I would later realize was a distraught selfworth. Somewhere along the way my dad ended up resenting us, I thought the reason was simple. At this point although I was only a child I was smart enough to know that I was the reason they stayed together over the years. However my small mind thought the solution was simple, I said to myself that things would be so much easier if you just simply went away forever, repeated it so many times that it burnt into my mind. My dad changed over time, or perhaps simply gave up on feeling. I later learned he was battling with depression and never sought help til this day. The result of this change was an overwhelming disapproval and constant shouting, day after day. And so I thought my actions were the problem, and tried my best to be the best. I wanted my dad to feel proud of me, and so for years I was the most distinguished in every field from sports to Honors‘ club, to working with him. At this point I had no friends, my life became school and work. But the yelling, the disapproval only got worse. For years I thought of running away. One day I did, but I never had the heart to really abandon my mom and sister, and so I stayed. I vowed to change my situation, and help others like me. But before this happened my dad was deported, and I took on responsibilities no kid should’ve done. At least my dad’s rough act had given me the abilities to endure hard work and rough situations. I never cried once (I shoved it down as deep as I could), but I could hear my mom’s weeps and feel her pain. And so I offered my support. I gave up more than I would ever know, life as I knew it. I gave up being happy, and believe me I tried so so hard, but people were just so cruel and mean because of where I came from. And so til this day I am trapped between to cultures, not from here or there. A misfit from All points of view. I was team captain, in every AP class, had friends I grew up with, and a scholarship offered to me by a man who knew my story and believed in me, who may now rest in piece. Even here I was exceptional, competed all around the country and was offered multiple scholarships. But none gave me the chance to win back what I lost. And so for the first time ever I bet on myself, at this point through hard work and no rests and a lot of luck we had enough money for me to go to college without struggling. And so I dreamt of becoming a surgeon, and left behind the math, physics and informatics. Things that had been the air I breathed til that moment. And things were good for a while. Little did I know that since I was no longer in charge of the buisness, the money we had up until that moment would no longer be there. My dad burnt through it faster than we made it. And now in my last semester, the hard times are back. And with them the fights I once feared so much. I can’t give up. Now I’m question everything, fight my way through depression. And although I am surrounded by people that have so much money, they could care less about me. Therefore I am alone, with hatred and love for the ones that raised me, worries for my sister and history repeating itself. And a story I can never tell, for it may be my downfall.