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This isn't a self-diagnosis. I'm not saying I have a bipolar disoder, I'm saying that I'm scared that I do.
I have anxiety and depression, I have done for most of my life, but recently I've noticed things that are out with the symptoms of that. I've become quite impulsive. I say I'm just "living life" but for heaven's sake, I booked a last minute flight to Australia on a whim because I was feeling elated. When I feel up (I call it this since it's such a new sensation that I can't describe what it is), I make rash decisions like this.
But the next day I can feel irritated yet excited at the same time. I feel lonely but content. I basically feel the two extremes of the emotional scale, almost regularly, at the same time.
I have a thing called misophonia, which basically means I'm sensitive to particular sounds, or triggers as we call them, and these triggers will result in an emotional response that can be pretty dangerous. The other day I was severely triggered. The noise wouldn't stop. I punch walls as a response and this was the first time I'd ever drawn blood. I can't describe how much more the trigger noise hurts than self harm. But something else happened. I became possessed by something. I kept hitting my head against the wall, and eventually I found myself standing holding a knife. If my flatmates were in I know I would have hurt them. I'm lucky I didn't use the knife in any way but snapping out of something, sitting and crying on the bathroom floor while holding a kitchen knife to your chest is a weird feeling. I didn't realise what I was doing.
I went to the shops afterwards because my stupid brain was craving milk, and everything was so foggy. I couldn't look at anybody. I felt slow and out of touch with my environment. I walked across a main road without looking because I didn't care. I spent a lot of money on random food because again, I didn't care. I couldn't look at anybody because they didn't feel real. I still felt possessed (I may have been concussed).
Then next day was fine. I talked the ears off my friend, we did karaoke and went to the cinema and I felt super happy, but I was waiting for the feeling to take over me again.
I've only recently started to feel genuine happiness. Even then though, this feeling of negativity is just following me around. I'm scared because I don't know when it'll hit me. I'm scared of hurting others. I'm not a violent person, but had I saw another person that night I know I would have threatened them. I wouldn't hurt a fly.
This just feels different to my anxiety and depression. I hate being impulsive. I hate feeling like a timebomb waiting to go off. What should I do? Can anyone relate?
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