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Hi, I don't know how to start. I'm 17 and I am a high school senior who is also taking 2 college classes. Last year was when everything went wrong. In August, I was diagnosed with Alopecia Areata and a stress-related hair loss. I also have stomach problems that were bad last year so I got a colonoscopy and an endoscopy done. As it turns out, I have mild gastritis, stomach edema, and duodenitis in my stomach. I also have colon inflammation in my colon. I am taking medicine which helps to which I am thankful for. My grandmother died on October 12, 2018, losing her fight with stage 4 lung cancer. I was later diagnosed with Depression at just 16 years old. Everything got better as time went on but 2019 has been bad. My parents used to get into fights and I was irritated at everyone. On October 14 of 2019, I started cutting. It's hard for me to cry and so I thought that cutting would be a way to reduce the pain. This went on till I told my mother and then a few months later, my dad. Only a few people know that I cut. Not even my friends know that I cut because I am usually the happy one of the group. This went on until I stopped because they were always checking my arms so I didn't have anywhere to hide them. I know they are concerned and worried for me but sometimes I just want to be alone.
Another thing is that my sister is very skinny, model skinny, and my brother is fit and smart. I am average and fat as well as ugly. My sister's go-to comeback is that I'm fat and I know that. My parents have always watched my eating while they let her eat whatever she wants so I don't see how that's fair. I also haven't had a bf in almost 3 years. It now has me thinking that no one would ever love me and want to care for me. I know that isn't what I should think but in a society like today, it's on almost on every girl's mind. I also play soccer and I am the slowest on the team and one of the fattest. During my senior year of soccer, I found out that I have exercise-induced asthma and hip impingement. My coaches weren't too happy about that and since I have been missing practice because of PT, they're most likely going to start someone else in my place.
When my depression and anxiety hit this year, I haven't been the same. I never have any motivation and it affects my school work. I always say that I'm going to spend all day studying but I never do and when I want to the next day, my parents get mad and disappointed at me. I hate disappointing anyone, especially them. I feel like I would be better off dead but I'm not going to die because I don't want to put my family and friends through the pain of losing someone. I never feel like I'm beautiful or that anyone wants me. I feel like no one is here for me and that I will always be alone. I feel like I have no special talents so I won't be able to do anything. I feel so worthless and like a failure. I also feel like problems aren't enough for me to be depressed and sad because other people have it worse than I do. I have no clue what to do anymore and I'm so lost...
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be who you are and reach for the stars. no one can ever stop you.
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ReplyIt sounds like you are having an absolutely awful senior year and I understand how difficult it must have been to go through so much in such a short amount of time. I am 17 and also a senior in high school, so I get how stressful this year of school can be without additional stressors. The stress of being in high school and college AP classes is more than anyone should be expected to shoulder, regardless of their situation. Bless you for still being so strong after everything life has thrown at you on top of this. Please rely on your friends as much as you feel comfortable, let them be there for you when you need it. Take a break when you need it. Above all else, keep moving forward and remember that there is more life ahead of you beyond high school, no matter how absolutely abyssal it is in the moment. Someday you will be able to look back on all of this anxiety and fear and be distanced from it. There will be good days and bad days, but you can only go up from here. You can only get better.
I know this amounts to very little coming from an anonymous teen on the internet, but I’m sure you are absolutely beautiful. Stunning, most days. You probably turn more heads than you realize. You are the perfect shape for you to be, and you are slaying the competition just by continuing to exist. Never force yourself to be conventionally beautiful for other people, you are who you need to be now, and you will find people who will love you for being you. They are real and if you can’t find them, they will surely find you. I know not having a significant other in high school is weird and I know you might feel alone or just empty without someone special in your life, but remember that you still have decades ahead of you to experience as many people as you want! You have a whole life ahead of you and lots of time to do whatever you want with whoever you want (with consent of course). Most of all remember that you have a strong foundation of close and distant friends to rely on and find love in. Platonic relationships can often be just as important, if not more important, than romantic ones.
I love you and wish you the best of luck in your senior year, I’m sure you will be great! I’m cheering you on in your search for colleges and/or job opportunities, and I hope you find your own way to happiness. The road has been long and difficult for you, but your experiences have made you stronger, smarter and braver than you could possibly know. Thank you so much for having the courage to post your personal troubles here. Please stay safe and please love yourself. Be you! No one else can be. <3
Replyi dont really know what to type. i just want to tell you i am fat i am ugly and i know i wont get a gf in a long time becuse how i act and all that i was cutting i got help i am here 2 years later helping my friends and trying to help people on the internet, i just want you to know everything is going to get better, i have not had a gf in 5 years all my friends has people who like them and all that i have never gotten a compliment by a girl well my mom gives me compliments becuse she knows i am diagnosed with depression, i just want to tell you everything is going to get better, it may not look like it but i swear it will and you will feel really much better trust me, you will get love, just belive the hopes- random guy spreeding love and hapiness.
ReplyI don’t know who you are . But , from what you have written. I think you’re both beautiful and lovely inside and out.
Replybecause you have no food on the table to eat mean you are not starving? There are other people who have went longer without food they are starving to. you are still starving. they are starving more. it's okay to be sad you are not ungrateful for doing so. I'm rooting for your success . And wish you well. A friendly reminder. you cannot paint the already black walls with more black paint. meaning find your source of happiness. goodluck!
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