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It was the night of December 11th 2018. I don’t think I will ever forget it. I was so done with my struggle to keep going.
I had never dealt with such a severe bout of depression in all of my life; at the time I was only 13. It just kept getting worse and the symptoms kept feeding off of each other. I couldn’t talk to my parents and my friends didn’t really listen so I resorted to cutting. But it wasn’t enough and it was one year ago, the day I tried to end my life. Now nobody really cares about this except for me. But I just can’t forget slouching over my bed, writing frantically, racing to the finish line of this life I just wanted to end. I told my parents not to miss me and I couldn’t have been saved anyhow. I can’t remember everything I put in that note. Maybe it just faded away, maybe i blocked it out of my memory, I will never fully know. I just remember it was pretty long. I guess I tried to cover everything. It was weird, after I was done writing, thinking that my room just as it was would be the last thing I saw. And for a second it hurt that I never got to say goodbye to everyone. But I didn’t care about anyone. I could finally release my pain. The recollection comes to me in a haze, as if looking through a murky pond. I just recall the cold blade on my wrist for what I thought would be the last time, the shudder of relief as I dragged it downward, going as deep as I could, trying to follow the path of the vein. I guess I missed. Either that or I didn’t go deep enough. It was such a strange feeling of satisfaction, watching the blood stream from the cut. I was beginning to feel lightheaded at some point so I just laid down and went to sleep. I never thought I would wake up. I was at peace with myself.
A few hours later I opened my eyes again. Sometime around 2 am, I think. And I couldn’t believe I failed. I thought for sure I had it planned out right. But I guess I didn’t. I cleaned up the mess and just went back to sleep. I was mad at myself, but part of me just couldn’t feel emotion anymore so it was dullened. I presumed I would try again before the year was over. Ultimately, I didn’t. Fortunately. I put it off until the end of January and by then there was a spark of hope in my life.
Here I am, one year later. I never thought I would see today. Here I am; my depression has faded (knock wood) but my anxiety has gotten much worse. However my life is so much better than it was a year ago (Knock wood again.) I have friends, the best girlfriend I could ask for, and above all liberation from that pain I used to feel.
I hope I never go back there again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I know nobody wanted to hear this, I know I’m boring. But why’d you read it if u didn’t want to hear it?
Today is just kind of important for me and I wanted to say this, I guess.
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I am so sorry you had to go through that, and I hope (knock wood) that it stays this way and your life continues to blossom! (knock wood again).
ReplyWhen I said stay this way, I meant the way it is currently, not what it was a year ago lol.
ReplyThank u~~
ReplyBe brave
Reply