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I am so sick I can barely bring myself to vent.
I have lost all hope in people and I don't have the mental fortitude to push through. I hate their moral code, their mindless compliance, their useless life goals, their dismissal of all to things that don't end up with immediate rewards. I hate their settling on superficial, simplistic version of facts. I hate their pack mentality, I hate their unwillingness to challenge ideas, I hate the immaturity, I hate the stupid humor, I hate the low standards. I hate that being nostalgic is what you get to do when you're older, and everyone just revels in nostalgia because that's what you are supposed to do. I hate their eagerness to criticize those who try to produce something new. I despise modern internet, I hate how every website is structured, I hate the way people talk online, I hate their true colors when they post anonymously. I hate the cynical mindset, I hate the insincere justifications for their horrible actions. I hate the obsession with monetizing everything, I hate their willingness to compromise and prostitute themselves if there's a chance to make a dollar. I hate how even generosity and honesty have egoistic motivations, I hate how easily they become out of touch when their situation changes.. I hate the obsession with porn, sex, sexuality, I hate the disgusting sense of eroticism, I hate the lack of taste. I hate how of any of this is a problem to you then you are sick and need to be cured of it, get the sense and sanity beaten out of you.
I look at people and I see a predatory yet cowardly pest without ethics or common sense, incapable of forming true bonds. I wish, I really wish there were a category of people that was better than the rest. I would gladly put the world in their hands. But the truth is that under the skin they're all the same.
I am ashamed for liking art. It's torturing me that I indulge in it. It's easy for me to abandon people but I can't abandon art, and it's the only reason why the isolation is destroying me. I have hundreds of artworks I'll never show anybody, I don't know who to show them to. I am afraid I'm developing some form of psychosis and my mind is degenerating. I already feel an intense, unbearable pressure in my head at all times, as if my whole sanity was under strain. I have abandoned all life prospects, I have no real direction except this excruciating hedonism. I don't want to join the lemming herd, heading nowhere, I don't want to smile and nod and behave like a complex insect for the rest of my life.
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Good writing
ReplyI really agree. if you ever want to chat, i'm here!
don't ever stop liking art. it is what will help you live, and fight through another day. I love art, and am not ashamed to say it. art is the closest thing to perfection you will find on this earth. embrace the fact that it is unique, creative, meaningful... in short, it is everything you are looking for in people. by suffocating your desire for art, you are suffocating yourself. that is what is driving you insane. lose yourself in art, in your passions, and in your dreams; do what you love, and you will be happy.
best wishes to you!
ReplyArt is a solitary activity but the results are made for others. You need an audience for art. There is no sane musician or artist who would continue doing what he does in a vacuum. It is all a form of communication. I hate it because it's all that keeps me tied to people. I know that if I were to completely cut myself off I would have to quit art. That would also help me save money. It seems lofty but it's just a vice like the rest.
ReplyI use art as a means of communication between my mind and my heart; and sometimes as a form of communication between myself and the universe (as a whole). I don't use art to communicate with my fellow men. I've never showed my art to anyone. you don't have to quit art if you cut yourself off!
I can be completely detached from other mortals and still satisfy my inner desire to create something beautiful. art only becomes a form of communication between human beings if you let it. otherwise, it is the outward expression of the interior communications inside one man.
ReplyAnd doing what I love is the prime reason why I am unhappy right now. There is an entire market of cynical merchants selling this jingle, "follow your dreams". It's a pyramid scheme. I only realized after too many years but even after I abandoned the market I still continued loving the craft. I have wasted 10 years of my life trying to communicate with a species I detest. I should have bought a piece of land and went off the grid like a hermit instead. I can't bring myself to be like Diogenes, I'm not that strong.
Replybe the change you wish to see in the world.
Reply