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I don't know why my depression doesn't follow the "norms" or respond to treatment as expected. I've been fighting this battle for almost eight years, and I haven't found any relief from the medications, therapies, ECT, TMS, or other programs designed to help. I'm nearing the end of my 2nd TMS program. I'll be done in just over two weeks - right around New Years.
I've been told that suicide is usually an impulsive act. That it's usually not planned out too far in advance. However, I obviously don't fit any "norms" there, either. I'm thinking that I'll wait the two weeks, just in case the TMS suddenly starts to make a difference (although I'm pretty skeptical at this point). I'm thinking the first Sunday of the year might be a good date. I'm still debating how I'm going to do it. I have plenty of medications around that I could overdose on, but that seems rather unreliable. I'm leaning towards hanging. There's a nice little wooded area near the park downtown. It's secluded enough that no one will be around to stop me, but trafficked enough that they should find the body easily. Of course there is carbon-monoxide poisoning from my car's muffler, but it seems slow and uncomfortable. There's also a tall building and a couple bridges nearby. I could step off those easy enough, I suppose. It might be a little messy, and I wouldn't want to inconvenience a bunch of people with travel delays, etc. I don't want to cause avoidable harm to others. I just don't want to be here anymore. I guess there will be family and friends mourning me, but they will heal. If they really cared about me, they'd understand why I don't want to continue suffering like this.
Anyway, maybe I'm insane or broken beyond repair, but I've spent a lot of time and effort and money trying to get better, and I'm done. I've got the date, and I'm working on the means. I'm tired of the pain. I'm ready to find Rest.
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I understand what you are going through. How diffiult it is.
You are tired.
This was me a while ago.
With my grear surprise, I discovered that when you are really to your limits living in the darkness, a ray of light is just about to show itself.
Reach for help where you never looked before. Focus on a positive thought, move your body.
If you really have to plan something, plan something you can look forward to... like going to a restaurant you aways wanted to try but never had, going for a walk, reading a book. The simplest things...
The last two made the difference for me.
I wish you all the best.
ReplyI hope you find something in life worth the suffering you endure. I wish I could help you find peace.
Reply