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There is no easy way around this, brutal reality has no escape. I'm caught in sandstorm from which I can't run and there is nothing I can make sense of. Brutal reality is having no place or nobody to turn to and no hope of making anyone understand my situation. My darkness is everywhere, like a never ending pit filled with misery and the constant feeling of being pulled deeper into it without end. I'm constantly surrounded with a dark emptiness and increasingly small place both inside my head and outside too, empty spaces filled with nothing excpet dark longings. The feeling of smashing my head onto the walls that confine me and with the flow of blood that would follow maybe I would find some release. This constant feeling of wanting to curl up into a ball and just give into the dark force that has me in its grip, not wanting to even crawl to a safe place. The brutal reality is I don't have a safe place, nowhere to escape to, nobody to escape to because I am invisible and meaningless. I don't know if anyone sees me or hears me so I just grit my teeth and ball my fists whilst I grimace at the thought of another day like this. Another day where I can think of nothing but hurting myself just to remind me I am still alive. I feel like I am losing any sense of reality and that everything that has happened means it is time to give in and accept that I have no hope. My legacy will always be one that is filled with regret and now tainted with this feeling of self loathing for what I have become. I want nothing more than to be forgotten so that my meaninglessness can continue and I can suffer this in silence. Everything I do and everywhere saps at my self esteem and makes me feel more and more worthless and this makes the dark place I'm in feel even smalled like its crushing me and trying to break me.
I can't see anything beyond my darkness at the moment. Family, friends or anything, its lost all meaning and I can't find a way to care about this. Everything I once knew or felt feels meaningless. The one person I trust who I could turn to I no longer can because I cannot believe she can see what all this has done to me really. Something good inside me has been taken from me and instaed its left me doubting myself, doubting people and doubting my sanity. I just cant move pass this solitary place of self loathing, the profound sadness and the feelings of being lost and meaningless. The worst is this feeling of not feeling anything except the dark as if it somehow can be felt. It's not just about my loss of happiness, I am past that feeling of sadness, rage or whatever else. Its like I feel nothing, cant care about anything because all I have is the darkness. Even now as I write this I can't think of nothing more than wanting to deeper into this pit of misery in the hope I can become totally lost. If only it was like the fairy tales then I could have one wish … to be so lost that I never feel or care againg about mysef or anything.
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Your wrong you know. You have written exactly how I feel, except change she for he, I just couldn’t of written it. So I lay here in this dark room with tunes that just scream his name at me. And even though I know it shouldn’t my heart is screaming well shit. You actually want to be with him. Have him at your side always. Have him envelope you in his arms and know you can calm each other witth a look or just by being there and thinking fuck maybe we did deserve that. This darkness is fucking black. Because it’s still not going to happen. Just wish the darkness would swallow me. It really is dark. I feel it too.
ReplySo how am I wrong?
ReplySorry meant your not wrong I know. Words came out wrong . Just another fuck up of mine sorry. Just ignore me I’ll crawl back in my hole.
ReplyAlso meant I understand the feeling
ReplyYou are very good at writing and you could try writing short stories, or a book, or even more books. A good way to start is to read books - happy uplifting ones that can lift your mood and teach you the writing craft at the same time. Look for a book with a happy story to start with, this will in time take your mind away from yourself to another place. Perhaps you are stressed and meditation will help lift you out of feeling so low. Put a smile on your face, watch comedy on the tv, and find things to do that you at least like. Buy fish oil tablets and if you feel depressed see your or a doctor. Please build a relationship with God and receive Him as your Father so that He will help you. Good luck.
ReplyI am not a good writer. I don't want to be told I am when I clearly am not.
Reply