What are you looking for?
Featured Topics
Select a topic to start reading.
I am an 18 year old girl, and I have always thought that I could not share my feelings with others. There are a lot of feelings or emotions I thought would be wrong for me to have, and that I would be punished for having them. Even normal human emotions, like having a crush or liking a particular genre of music. It seems I have trained myself to distance emotions, and I can be quite unemphatic because of that. I really do love my upbringing, but there is just this fear that I've always had because I felt I could not disappoint my dad. I know he loves me, but he is an agitated person in general, and growing up I have always blamed myself for being the reason he is angry all the time. I felt I had to strangle my emotions, keep people at a distance, and not even think about liking someone. It used to be easier for me to be O.K. living like that, partly because I didn't think guys would ever like me anyway, and so I wouldn't have to deal with my dad getting angry at me for a boy liking me. But now, a good friend that I have known since we were 15, told me how he felt about me. I realized I liked him too, I had just been telling myself I didn't because that is what I trained myself to do for so long. My dad actually really liked him before that. He still does, he just doesn't show it anymore and every time me and this boy happen to be in the same area he gets angry. With everything that's happened I realized that I had friends, but that I didn't have anyone I felt I could be completely comfortable talking to. First of all I felt like had had done something wrong by allowing myself to like someone, but I have also never confided in anyone before. I have never expressed my deeper feelings to anyone in my life before, and I don't really know how. Now my problem is not so much about liking someone...but about how my friends view me. I know that in our "group" I am not the one any of them would call their best friend...and I do realize that is my fault for being emotionally distant...and I feel that they all would call each other best friends and that I am more of an "outsider" friend. There is Emma though, I grew up with her, but would it be selfish of me to tell her how I feel? To tell her what I think she feels towards me - that I view her as a close friend but I don't feel she cares about me the same way. What if she does view me as a close friend, and I am just being selfish and she takes it as "her friendship not being enough for me". I want to tell her stuff we did as kids and how damaged I have felt for so long, not being as close to her as I wanted because I knew I was different than everyone else in our group of friends. Maybe I am just to old for this stuff anyway; maybe I should just get over it and continue being distant. It's just hard for me to move in either direction now. I feel stuck.
If you see a comment that is unsupportive or unfriendly, please report it using the flag button.
More Posts
-
Free falling
I thought I was getting a handle on my debt. But after a car accident yesterday... I feel like such a failure. 40. Broke. And I don't know what to do....
-
Help
So for class in my junior high I had to write what I was thinking about, i was thinking about feminism. So i wrote opinion on it and i agree 100% about it. Once...
As a 30 year old woman with no friends, please tell your friend Emma how you feel about her? if you really do feel she is your best friend you should definetily tell her. I wish I had told my friends at that age, but I kind of distanted myself from them when I met my husband.
Anyways, any feelings you have are valid and ok, it is ok to like someone. Also you are not to blame for your dad's anger. His anger is on him and he should be in control of his own emotions, as everyone should. How you react and behave with those emotions is on you and should not be put on anyone else! I'm sorry you're feeling stuck and I hope some sort of sign comes to you that will lead you in the one best for you.
Reply