What are you looking for?
Featured Topics
Select a topic to start reading.
If you are in crisis and need immediate help, please call 1-800-273-8255 (NSPL) or text HOME to 741741 (Crisis Text Line). More resources.
The most difficult day of my life was almost two years ago. It was the day I was closest to taking my own life.
It started like any other morning that I had been having for years. I woke up, didn't want to get out of bed. Why should I? Nothing mattered to me anymore. I didn't matter. How was I going to kill myself today? By swallowing a handful of pills or crashing my car with no seatbelt on and inevitably being thrown from my car? No, you know what? I will just hope and pray to God that he will just end my suffering and some freak accident will take my life.
Normally I would wake up and go to early morning soccer practice. At this point in time, I am pretty sure I had already expressed to my coach that I was in a bad place and needed to distance myself from soccer as it really wasn't an escape for me anymore. I had already skipped a few practices. Rather than get ready, get in my car, listen to depressing music and half-ass a practice....I stayed in bed.
I had class that day, and I don't even remember going if I'm being honest. If I did, I clearly did not pay any attention. I hadn't paid much attention in the weeks before either.
When I got back to my apartment, if I left, I went straight to my room like I do everyday. I felt especially alone that day. I do remember that much. I remember not feeling good about anything. I told myself, "today is the day I end it all." It had gotten to the point where I was having an extreme anxiety attack, and my mind just would not shut off. I couldn't sit still, and the only thing on my mind was death. The only thing I wanted was peace and to not feel the way I felt anymore. It was exhausting. I wound up in the bathroom, on the floor, with a handful of pills. Only I could not follow through. Instead, I threw the pills and lay on the floor in a curled up ball. I wept and wept.
I had hit rock bottom, and I knew if I didn't do something about it now...I never would. I called my mom that night. She was extremely surprised as I was clearly exceptional at hiding what I was struggling with. My family was extremely supportive and most all drove all the way to where I was just to get me and bring me home.
This was, without a doubt, the most difficult day of my life. I didn't just want to die. I almost went through with it, and I had to tell the most important people in my life that I did. I had to be as vulnerable as I had ever been leading up to that moment. In some ways, this was the best day of my life. It sounds a little twisted, but I would still be in that same hole today had I not gone through what I did. Who knows, I could be dead. I could have missed out on the birth of my nephew and my brother's future wedding. I still struggle, and maybe I always will. For now, I am better than I have been in a long time thanks to that terrible day almost two years ago.
(This is the end I promise.) If anyone is struggling right now, just know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It may not seem like it now, but you will catch a break at some point. Find what makes you feel most alive and run with it. You can't give up on yourself. The world is better with you in it. And I love you.
-A
If you see a comment that is unsupportive or unfriendly, please report it using the flag button.
More Posts
-
He
Yesterday my boyfriend broke up with me, I told him about my past with my ex bf and I told him even the private stuff because I felt like it was time for it but...
-
Dear Crush
many times i have tried to kill myself and have any suicidal thoughts but when i saw you i just had to try the best i can to not have the thoughts again. as my...
Honestly, I really needed to hear that. You were put in the right place at the right time. Thank you. 💕
I’m 100% sure this post is going to help a lot of people. And I’m glad you’re feeling ok again. ☺️
ReplyI admire that you are writing to help others who may be struggling like you were. Or are. I'm sure the struggle never ends in some way.
What caught my attention immediately was the coincidence of your hardest day being two years ago when I had my lowest point. But now I've reached a new low since then.
I'd like to believe the world is better with me in it, like you say.
Reply