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I think I've always associated myself with that word. "Strong*
I remember a conversation between me and two friends from high school. I don't remember what we were talking about but suddenly a question arose
"How do you want people to view you?"
I can't remember their answers maybe something about kindness, a good political person, (my friend at the time had become obsessed with politics). I didn't even think twice and said "strong". My response was received with nods and the words "I can see that". How it went on I do not know. As you can tell my memory isn't the greatest.
Still this has been something I've been fighting for so long.
As girls we are taught to be proper and kind and pretty. I grew up in the early 2000s and those were still the ideas and unfortunately continue to be.
I loved pink, but hated dresses. I played with dolls, but didn't mind getting dirty in the backyard. I did whatever I wanted as a kid, because my mom an amazing person let me. I grew up in an active , athletic family and two older male cousins. They inspired me intensely. Whenever I hung out with them I needed to prove my strength, to these 27 something young motorcycle guys I - a 7/8 year girl needed to prove that I could keep up with them. Whether it was swimming, biking or even motorcycle riding I had to prove that I could do it. When both of them had sons (even more boys) my need to be strong intensified. I needed to prove to these young boys that girls can be strong too.
Once I rode a child's motorcycle on a motorcycle trip with my cousin and his son. I ended up falling over and scratching my elbow to the point where it was bleeding. My cousin stared at me, fear in his eyes about what to do. I got up, laughed and say down to assess my injury. After a few minutes I said I'd be okay and we went on.
Of course it hurt. Of course I wanted to sit for a bit longer, I mean I also wanted to continue. I'm not good at riding a motorcycle, but it's fun. But I couldn't, I don't think he would even know what to do if I started crying. Another time I flew off the motorcycle because I couldn't understand the something, it hurt but I brushed it off and say down. I got called strong. I smiled, gritted my teeth to hide the pain.
All my life I've tried to prove to guys that girls can do anything they can. I'm still underestimated most of the time, but I usually end up gaining respect and coming home completely tired.
Now I'm not saying that I didn't enjoy all these things, I thoroughly enjoyed everything - it was the reason that hurt the most.
I didn't want to be seen as some attractive little girl for boys to look after. I don't think I ever had the nerves for stupid guys. It's been hard getting a boyfriend. And I've been told that I'm too strong, too mean, too indimidating for a guy to like me. I've been told this by my guy friends, by my mom and other family members. I felt bad, but the thing was that I couldn't stop. This was who I was.
As I grew up, I started realizing that "strong" didn't always equal sports or muscles. My mom taught me that. She's one of the strongest people I've met. Every day she gets up and goes on with her life, no matter how much is pushing against her. She taught me that strength is in yourself, whether others see it or not. It's something that comes from within, it doesn't make you any less of a woman. It makes you more of a better human. You do more for others, for your family, and occasionally but most importantly for yourself. I've helped my mom in translating various letters and emails concerning issues that she couldn't just let go. I'm proud to say she's made a difference, not a wordly difference but a difference nevertheless.
So here I sit, 20 years old, still fighting to be strong. My female friends praise me, and then concern fills their eyes when I open up about the rocks on my shoulders. My guy friends still say I'm intimidating and don't know that that results in an internal war in my brain. I've placed sports on the back burner as college has taken over, but I've learned to be more assertive and to trust my instincts. Sometimes it means people get mad, but I try to laugh about it. If they can't see that I'm mad or got mad because they did something wrong than theyre not worth my time. Still trying to convince myself of that....
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I like to be happy, free, independent and assertive. Men don't like that, but too bad, that's how I am too.
ReplyKeep doing that. We are who we really think we are. Don't be afraid to be proud of yourself
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