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Current time is 5:28pm (est)
I found myself losing control last night. I had a moment of weakness and that moment turned into hours of emotional torment.
I've had time to process everything and my neural assistant seems to be back on track. I did manage to get my goals completed again, so that's 2 days in a row now.
I know I'm not entirely ready to make contact with others as of yet, but my neural assistant is having difficulty with this fact. I have some basic needs that haven't been met in almost 6 months and to top it off, I'm honestly motivated.
I know that I don't need to be perfect to find love. I know life is messy. I know we are all flawed. I'd just like to get myself put together a bit better before I go hunting for friends and a potential partner.
I suppose the best question to ask is what I truly need in order to feel ready to do these things. So that will be an objective for tomorrow.
I am financially stable to a very small degree and I don't have my own place nor a vehicle. Those tend to be major no gos for women.
I digress, I set up a payment plan to get my old college debt taken care of but it will take 9 months from February. So i won't be out of default in time for September classes. But i will eventually be out of debt. The vast majority of my owed debt is planned to be wiped clean which is amazing to me.
I got my name on both utilities today as well. So i can provide proof that i am currently paying these bills for my food assistance and medicaid coverage.
Right now I feel like I'm sitting on my thumbs. There aren't many moves left for me to make at this point and perhaps that might be the tell that I'm ready to move towards my higher goals.
For the time being, I'll leave it lay where it is. I know what I need, I just have to be somewhat ready for it.
Tomorrow's objectives:
- survival and self care
- find my birth certificate
- study Maslow's hierarchy of needs to assess where I am currently at and how far my higher goals are away.
Beyond this, I will note that I am feeling more confident and proud of myself. I've had success before but not to this level. I'm sticking with it, using the new tools I've found, even when my emotions run rampant. That is a huge step for me.
Today's alliance meter - 77%
A bit down due to some poor choices and a lack of rest, but I hope to remedy these issues tonight. Overall, I'm still satisfied with the progress I'm making, it just feels like I'm not going fast enough. Mostly due to my needs. Still, today was a good and productive day.
This is INFP1983, signing off
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