I can't help but despair

I can't help but despair.

When I look at the world outside.

The beautiful buildings.

My cats.

Pictures of my nephew,

And all the children my friends are having all of a sudden.

I can't help but despair.

Because

I know

We are doomed.

Unless everything changes.

Unless we stop using fossil fuels immediately.

Unless we take all the cars and trucks off the road, and all the planes out of the sky, and shut down all the coal plants, and turn off every oil derrick and fracking pump

Right fucking now

We are doomed.

And even if we did all of that,

We still have only a slim chance of survival.

And I know that the bad times aren't here yet, but they're coming.

When the food and water shortages start

It's going to get very bad,

Very fast.

The cost of food is already going up.

4% this year, they said

But I went shopping on Sunday and the cost of tomatoes has already gone up 15%.

And I don't know what more I can do.

I live a small life.

I take the bus.

I do my best to cut out plastics.

I don't grow my own food because I’m just in a one bedroom apartment

But if I had a house and a yard I would.

I would put solar panels on my house.

I would install bidets on all the toilets.

But it isn't enough.

We are doomed.

Within my lifetime.

However long that manages to be.

How do you not give in to despair when you know that? 

I remember, when I was in Grade 5

In 1990

For Earth Day they had us all do posters for the day

Most kids did posters of flowers, or the globe (always looking at the Americas, because of course they did)

Sometimes the globe has a big anthropomorphic smile on it

You, know, like 10 year olds oughtta.

My picture was different

A grandparent with a kid

Both in biohazard suits

Surrounded by dry, cracked wasteland,

Looking at a single shoot of green trying to survive

The teacher said mine was “too dark” and while they did put it up in the library, it went up in the back corner where they hoped nobody would see it

I think about that poster a lot these days

I thought, at 10, that the genderless grandparent would maybe be my grandchild

But now, 30 years later, I know it has a better chance

Of being me.

I had two children.

They’d both be in their teens now, if they hadn’t died.

My daughter was stillborn

My son was premature

His heart gave out on the 3rd day

My current psychologist asked me if I wanted them here

And I said No.

She asked me “Why?”

I gave a glance at the photos of her kids on her desk

I struggled with whether I should tell the truth or not

To a mother

With kids who were alive

But finally I decided that the point of therapy was truth,

And so I said,

“Because I love them too much to want the horror show that is going to be the next 30 years to be their birthright. I’m their Mom. It’s better they’re not here for what’s coming next”.

I love my kids.

I miss my kids.

But I love them too much to want them here.

I’m their Mom, and I understand that wanting them here is selfish.

It’s better they don’t have to suffer.

Because we WILL suffer

Before it’s all said and done.

I didn’t say that last part not in quotes.

I figured that was maybe too real and harsh to say to a Mom with pictures of her kids all over her desk,

But I say it to myself.

I asked her in this last session

“How do we deal with KNOWING we’re doomed?”

And she said,

“It’s not something we can control,

So we do our best in whatever ways we can,

And that has to be enough.”

And I can’t take that stance.

It feels defeatist.

“We’re doomed, but I’m doing what I can, so it’s not on me what comes next.”

I don’t see that helping in the years to come.

When everything is on fire

When we’re killing each other for water

For food

For shelter when the coastlines have been swallowed by used-to-be-glaciers.

I think about my nephew.

Not even a month old right now

And I feel sick

Thinking about the world he’s inheriting

This birthright I would wish on no one.

And I can understand where my Therapist is coming from

It all seems Too Big, TOO BIG, TOO BIG

And how do we get through to the rich and the powerful?

The people who actually could enact change

Because their grandchildren’s future isn’t enough to make them want to change course.

So why would any of us be enough?

I struggle with despair.

It keeps me up at night.

It makes me not want to eat

Not want to waste water

Not want to wash

As if my being filthy and starving now will save us in 5 years time

Even though I know, logically, that it won’t.

It won’t.

We are doomed.

And I want to add an, “Unless…”

But I think we all know

In our heart of hearts

In the end

Probably sooner than we’re all willing to imagine

We’re all gonna burn.